


The Hawaiian Mess

by NMartin



Series: Clexa [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Beach Holidays, Beaches, Clexa, Comedy, F/F, Fluff, Hate to Love, Hawaii, Holidays, Love/Hate, Romance, Summer Vacation, Vacation
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-04
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-24 17:41:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 21
Words: 25,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6161353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NMartin/pseuds/NMartin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU — The whole group decides to go on vacation to Hawaii, booking a few rooms in a luxurious hotel. Sadly, there is a problem with the rooms booked, and accidentally Clarke has to share with the person she hates the most in the world— Lexa, Lincoln's adoptive sister. Of course, many things can happen in an island, including new romances, breakups, cheating, new friendships and a bit of sky diving.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Step one was to convince all their parents, and that hadn't been easy. Adults didn't see them, being seventeen years old, as mature people. All them had rolled their eyes at that. In the end, they had agreed if at least two adults came with them. And so Thelonius Jaha and Abigail Griffin had been chosen to go with them. Clarke was not happy about that. And she was even less when she found out that her mother's boyfriend went with them too. She hated Marcus Kane, with all her soul. He was egotistical, vain, rude and basically everything that Clarke hated. But he was good with her mother, and that was why she endured having to spend time with him.

Step two, finding a destiny and booking the plane tickets and hotel. Everyone wanted to go to a different place. Octavia dreamed of Paris, Lincoln of visiting Australia. Jasper and Finn wanted to visit Amsterdam, Monty wanted to go to Tokyo. Clarke was dying to visit New York, but Bellamy had convinced her to go on a road trip soon instead. Raven suggested to go to Hawaii, since it was cheaper and they would have more money to do other activities. The idea caught everyone's attention in their own way. Raven, Lincoln and Clarke agreed to go surfing, Monty and Jasper wanted to swim with sharks. Octavia asked Abigail to go scuba diving with her, since no one else wanted to. And they agreed to book sky diving classes for all them, including the adults.

"Abigail won't be happy about that." Marcus had said as Thelonius agreed to.

"Abigail has more guts than you think." Thelonius said, rolling his eyes. Clarke knew she owed him one that day.

"And I've actually always wanted to." the woman had said as she walked out of the kitchen. "So we have the destination?" she asked.

Monty and Raven, found the way to buy the cheapest tickets. The goal was to get there as early as possible without flying in a plane being made of tin. Bellamy and Jasper had been the ones to chose the resort, trying to meet everyone's demands. Octavia and Clarke made a basic plan of what to do. Mostly Octavia, since Clarke thought it was too soon to even think to plan anything. She knew nothing would be just as they had planned. And she was right, it was proved just a week later. A day before Raven bought the tickets, Lincoln called. He had to take his adoptive sister, Lexa, if he wanted to come with them. His parents rules, he had said. Clarke had had to roll her eyes at that.

If there was one person she would kill without even blinking, that was Lexa Grounder. It was such a stupid name in Clarke's opinion. She was their age, maybe a couple of months younger or older. The blonde didn't know, and she didn't care actually. The brightest color she wore was dark grey. Her eyeshadow was dark and smoky, her hair was always braided. She looked like some sort of modern, punk barbarian. That was what she was, a barbarian. Clarke knew it. They had met in high school, the first day of senior year. And with met, Clarke meant that she had been screwed over by the other. Lexa had parked her huge Harley Davidson right in front of her car, blocking her way.

"Hey!" the blonde had yelled. "You can't park there!"

"Suck it, princess."

That had been it. Three simple words that had started a rivalry and had left Clarke with a nickname she hated with all her heart.  _ And she dares to call me princess... What an asshole. _

Step three, arrange how would they share the rooms selected. There was a room for three, that Wells, Monty and Jasper claimed as theirs. They had become inseparable, unable to spend more than a day apart. Of course, they only claimed the room after checking that it had an amazing view of the resort's pool and the women that swam in it. Bellamy was the only one to not to say anything about the room distributions, maybe hoping he’d be able to share with Clarke.

Finn and Raven would stay in another room, one with a double bed right next to the boys' one. The girl had wanted to share a room with Octavia and Clarke at first, but Finn had convinced her they'd have more fun alone. Bellamy was the only one who actually could stand John Murphy, so they'd have to share the third room. Thelonius had chosen a room in the other end of the hall, next to Marcus and Abigail's.

It was the sixth and seventh rooms the troubling ones. At first, Clarke had had no problem with having a room for herself. It had stung a bit though. She had thought that the girls would have a room together, after all she was the only single one. Then Bellamy had offered to share a room with her, but she had declined it. She knew he was head over heels for her, but she did not feel the same way. The other option was to share a room with her mother, and have Thelonius and Marcus share a room. She had refused to, saying her mother and the boyfriend deserved their privacy. She preferred to be alone than to share a room with her mother.

"Well, you could share a room with Lexa..."

Bellamy almost lost an eye that day.

“It’s not my fault he invited his adopted cousin or whatever she is.” Clarke complained, arms crossed on her chest as she stared at her best friend. She was not going to share a room, and even less a bed, with that girl Lexa. "And it is not my fault Jasper is a dick and doesn't know that a double bed is not the same as two single beds."

"It won't be that bad..."

"I hate her, Bellamy. You know that.” she added, pointing out the obvious. Lexa worked in an antique shop and had a worrying taste for old knives and swords. She had moved to Lincoln’s house almost a year ago, and did not seem to have any friends. "And now I gotta share a bed with that little..."

“I don't like it either, princess. But there is no need to insult.” the dark haired girl spoke behind them, holding her suitcase in one hand and the key of the room in another. Clarke rolled her eyes. Even now that they were in an extremely warm country the girl wore dark clothes. "And don't worry, you can sleep in the floor if you want.”

* * *

 

Thankfully they would not spend much time in the room that day. The whole group decided to go to the beach that morning, being right next to it. "Everyone here in ten minutes." Thelonius said, letting the teenagers walk into the elevators. Clarke and Lexa did not even look at each other, not as they waited in the elevator, not as they walked into the room. They both sighed when they saw the large double bed, but did not aknowledge its presence anymore. Clarke opened her suitcase and took out a towel and suscreen, taking off all her bracelets. On the other end of the room, Lexa took off her t-shirt. It wasn't a surprise to see the ink covering her arms, the girl was proud of them. The delicate outline of the drawings contrasted abruptly with the girl's rudeness.

“At least we have good views.” Lexa spoke as she walked out to the balcony in her black bikini. Clarke couldn’t help but stare at her. Even if she refused to admit it, Lexa had a body many girls would envy. Tanned, with an athletic and muscular body, she looked like a girl who spent hours in the gym. But according to Lincoln, she did not go to the town's sports centre. And she did not work out at home.  _ Why the hell am I thinking so much about it anyway?! _ Clarke thought. "The sea looks so beautiful from here.”

“You say it as if you had never seen it.” Clarke spoke with a raised brow. After standing up she made her way to the balcony, enjoying the soft breeze.

"Because I never have."

"We live in Washington, Lexa."

"Even if it doesn't look like it, I've only lived there for a year. And I've been busy with studying."

"I've never seen you in class."

“I don't do good in classes. I prefer to study at home."

It made no sense to Clarke. She did not want to show any kind of kindness towards the other, and she wouldn't now. But she couldn't help but smile when she saw the sea. The endless mass of water was a shade of blue that looked almost surreal, impossible in the world they lived in. “It’s beautiful.” she agreed.

“There are many beautiful things in the world, you just need to take a good look at them.” Lexa spoke. And with that, she turned and crossed the room, leaving it without speaking another word.


	2. Chapter 2

“Dude, don’t go deeper!”

“Why Bellamy, are you scared the fish are gonna eat you?” Murphy laughed, splashing water at the boy’s face. The others laughed, something unusual considering that few of them liked John. The water covered them to their waists, warm and calm. They played with an inflatable ball, not letting it drop on the water. Wells and Monty raced around, splashing around instead of play with the others. Jasper wasn't the kind of person who liked water much, and so he left a few minutes later, taking out his phone. Meanwhile, far away from them but close enough to watch them, Abby took pictures of the se as Marcus applied sunscreen on her back, both of them sitting down on the shore. Thelonius took a nap next to them, hat on his face to block the sunrays. He did not speak much when Marcus was near, and the other did the same. They both seemed to be quite annoyed at each other's presence, Clarke had noticed.

The girl had been staring at her mother with a curious look for five minutes already. Clarke wasn't used to see her mother with another man that wasn't her father. Even though the woman had stopped grieving for him a lot of time ago, she hadn't had a real relationship. “She looks happy.” a voice spoke behind her, making her snap out of her thoughts and turn around. Lexa stood behind her with her black swimsuit, her braided hair wet and shiny. She did not smile, she never seemed to, but Clarke saw a slight twist of her mouth. “You don't look that happy, though.”

“That's none of your business.”

"I know. But it's curious, how now that your mother looks happy you are not." the brunette shrugged and turned around, making a hand gesture to dismiss the conversation. "I don't like him either though. He has a weird bone structure."

"And she has a weird everything." Bellamy whispered, walking towards Clarke as the girl left. "What was that about?"

"Nothing, I just zoned out and she talked to me."

"I hate her too, don't worry."

_ And I hate that you have no personality and hate her just because I do,  _ Clarke thought. On one side, she was pleased that she was not the only person to hate Lexa. On the other side, she thought it was quite stupid from Bellamy to hate her without a reason. But he always did that. He always loved what Clarke loved, and hated what she hated. Bellamy read the books she read, bought the CDs she bought, watched the TV shows she watched. Sometimes it was a week later, sometimes not even two days. And now he did the same with people?  _ What a jerk. At least I have a reason to hate her. _

* * *

 

Clarke had the privilege of spending a lot of time in Lincoln's house, as his and Octavia's third wheel. She would sit next to them when they watched movies, or go outside when they needed privacy. Sometimes she would just lie down on the couch and turn on loud music when they were in his room. And that was when Lexa would come downstairs, trying to muffle Octavia's moaning with her headphones. She would ignore Clarke and act like a gross, sixteen year old  _ dudebro _ , every single time. She sat on the couch, turned on the TV and started playing videogames, a beer on the coffee table. Wearing baggy tank tops and shorts, sometimes a baseball cap backwards on her head instead of the usual braids. But of course, not even her braids were normal. When anyone thought of a girl with braids, they imagined a complete nerd. But Lexa was that weird kind of person who wore micro-braids and waterfall braids at the same time.  _ Maybe she thinks she looks good with them or something. But she just looks like a fucking mess, as if she was fucking Mowgli and had known no civilization at all. _

"Hey, Lincoln you asshole, some of us are trying to sleep in here!" the girl had yelled from the living room once, not even caring that Clarke was asleep in the other couch.

"And some of us had actually succeeded in that until you got here and started playing that shooting shit you call a game."

"Suck it, princess."

"Fuck you."

"Oh, you wish."

"Why? You're disgusting."

"If you say so."

“You realize things would be easier for both of us if you at least weren’t such a jerk towards me, right?”

“Oh, so you’d like to play dolls with me while my brother and Octavia fuck? That’s so cute.”

“That’s not what I meant. And he is not your brother.”

“Oh, of course the  _ Queen of Third Wheels _ thinks she’s better than me. At least I have something better to do while these two have sex upstairs.”

“Oh yeah, playing  _ Call of Duty _ is such a plan.”

“I’m not playing, princess. I am waiting.” the girl had answered with a smug grin, checking the time just as the screen of her phone lit up and it buzzed. “Once Octavia gets all cuddly, my brother will have no escape and I'll be able to go fuck my girlfriend.” she chuckled and abruptly turned off the console, then walked towards the door and opened it. “Bye, princess.” she added, putting two fingers in front of her mouth and sticking her tongue out. Leaving Clarke with a shocked face and an intense blush on her cheeks, she disappeared.  _ Ugh, what a jerk. _

* * *

 

"Yeah, she is an asshole." Clarke spoke, turning around to try and focus on her friends. She promised herself, she wouldn't worry about her mother, or be annoyed by Lexa. She would be calm, she would make sure no worrying thoughts would cross her mind. The first thing she saw was Octavia and Lincoln passionately making out. Bellamy almost choked at the sight. "Don't." Clarke spoke as she stopped him from taking a step towards them. "Keep calm."

"Alright..."

"Hey, look behind!" Jasper spoke, pointing to the shore. Sitting a few meters near Abby, a group of girls laughed and took their dresses off as they settled their towels on the sand. "Look at the brunette" he pointed out.

"Nah, that blonde is cuter."

"I'd so fuck her brains out."

"Murphy!"

"What? You are all thinking it."

The others couldn't deny it, almost all them were looking at the girls. Including Clarke and Raven, whose brow was raised. "Aren't you gonna say anything?" they heard Octavia speak, offended by the fact that her boyfriend was staring too.

"You're way hotter than her, love."

"That's better." she added, giving him a deep kiss.

"At least your girlfriend has something on her chest, not like mine." Finn spoke.  _ What the fuck did he just say?!  _ Clarke rolled her eyes and immediately turned to look at her second best friend. The latina looked less than happy.

"Excuse me?!" she was glaring at her boyfriend in a way that could kill a grown man. "You've got a problem with my bra size, you asshole?"

"No, Raven, I just meant that she looks hot and has curves and—"

His words were interrupted by a loud slap that landed on his cheek. All the water splashing and playing stopped, the whole group looking at the couple with concern. "Fuck you." the girl said before starting to walk away towards the shore. He immediately tried to follow her.

"But I didn't— Babe I didn't mean—" he desisted and turned towards the others, confusion on his face.  _ Is he so stupid that he doesn't even see how much he has fucked up?  _ "Did I say something wrong?"

"Let's say that you have the emotional inteligence of a fish." Lexa pointed out.

_ I couldn't agree more, Lexa... For once in my life, I couldn't agree more. _


	3. Chapter 3

Clarke and the others went back to the shore a few minutes later, observing the two women that sat on the sand. Raven had her head on Mrs. Griffin's shoulder, while the woman wrapped an arm around her. The girl’s eyes were red from crying, her breathing still heavy as the woman comforted her. Octavia took a few steps forward, kneeling in front of her friend and pulling her into a hug. Clarke did the same, approaching the latina from the side and giving her a soft kiss on the cheek. "He's an idiot. You definitely are hotter than that bitch over there." Octavia told, making Raven laugh. Whatever it was a bitter or a genuine laugh, they didn’t know, but it was a sign the girl felt better.

“I swear to god I want to kill him sometimes.”

“Well." Clarke spoke with a little smile. "If you don’t I will."

“What if we don’t kill anyone,” Abigail spoke in hopes of enlightening the mood, her hand moving to caress Raven’s damp hair. Fingers running through wet strands, the girl fell into the woman's motherly touch. “And we go get some food and shopping instead? The boys can go with Marcus and Thel, so we can have a no boys afternoon. What do you say, Raven?”

“I’d love that, Mrs Griffin.”

Abigail was the kindest person that could exist, Raven thought. The latina was like a daughter for her, the same way Abigail was the closest thing to a mother that Raven had. She was one of Clarke’s two best friends, along with Octavia. The three of them had grown up together in Washington, with Octavia’s brother. They all had been under Abby’s wing, growing up as a small group of friends protected by the woman. In high school they had met Jasper and Monty, and a year later Wells had moved back into town after spending seven years in Europe. The woman had distrusted them at first, knowing the kind of trouble boys brought at that age. But after getting to know them she started treating all them as if they were her own kids. They spent their afternoons in her enormous house, they had lunch at her house on the weekends. And when the girls started having boyfriends, and the boys started having girlfriends,  they all started asking the woman for advice. All except Clarke, of course. That would have been weird, being her actual daughter.  _ Should I let him kiss me on the first date, Mrs Griffin? I kinda have a crush on this girl, Mrs Griffin. Could you convince Lincoln Grounder’s parents to let him come to my birthday party, Mrs Griffin? Sarah wants to go to the movies on Saturday Mrs Griffin, what should I do? _

“Okay, then get your things and tell Lexa while I go talk to Mr Jaha.”

“Lexa? What does Lexa have to do with this?”

“Clarke, it would be rude to leave her alone with the boys without at least offering her to come with us. So go talk to her.”

“Mom,  _ I hate her _ .” the girl whispered.

“Hating someone is not a reason to be disrespectful towards them. Go tell her, now.”

“Alright, alright.”

Clarke stood up and let out a sigh, walking past the group of boys. They were all playing volleyball, right in front of the girls they had noticed before.  _ Since when does Jasper play sports?!  _ she thought as she saw the shirtless boy put all his efforts on hitting the ball. She then realized, the girls were starting at them and giggling. A short haired girl looked quite interested in Jasper. Clarke smirked and kept walking. Lexa was sitting on her towel, watching the game from her spot. “What’s going on?” Clarke asked, sitting at a sensible distance from the brunette.

“Jasper Jordan over there,” Lexa spoke, pointing out to the boy. “Wants to impress the brunette shortie over there,” she moved to point to the most normal girl in the group. With short, frizzy hair, she had a medium physique and extremely pale skin.  _ Oh, so now Jasper fancies Dracula's daughter. Great. _ “Monty is going to talk to them once they allegedly win, but of course my brother and Bellamy over there are going to let them win. Finn and Wells are just there trying to regain their dignity I guess.”

“You seem pretty interested.”

“It’s like watching a documentary about baboons wooing the females.”

“Those are my friends over there.”

“Those friends of yours over there have no idea of how to make a girl like them.”

“They seem quite interested in them, actually.”

“They are not. It's like in  _ Mean Girls.  _ There's the leader, the Queen Bee. That's obviously the blonde sitting in the middle. The redhead and the other blonde are her army of skanks. And the brunette is like Cady in the movie. Queen Bee thinks the guys look kinda stupid and is telling the others. Redhead and Blondie do too because they have no personality. But Cady, who honestly looks like been taken out of Twilight, is actually interested in Jasper. She can't say it because she is the new one, and is probably there just because the others have some interest in her. If they learn that she likes him, either they will laugh at her or use it for their own amusement.”

“Someone really loves  _ Mean Girls... _ "

"I don't!" Lexa spoke, a hint of red on her cheeks. "I just remember it clearly."

“Ha.” Clarke rolled her eyes and smirked, not believing the girl’s words. Remembering why she was talking to her, she decided to go straight to the point. “So, listen. The girls and I... well, and my mother too, we are going to visit some shops and all that stuff. I wasn’t even gonna tell you, seeing that you are not so interested in this kind of stuff. I know you're not the... shopping kind of girl. But… Well, my mom insisted. So if you don’t wanna go you should go tell her or she won’t believe m—”

“I’ll go.”

“Okay.”

* * *

 

“I mean, I like hanging out with you and all that, but isn’t it a bit sexist that we are going shopping while the boys are staying at the beach playing sports?” Raven spoke with a slightly annoyed huff, raising a brow.

“I agree.” Clarke spoke with a sigh. “Not that we don’t love going shopping with you, Octavia.” she added with a smile as they entered a souvenir shop. A woman behind a wooden counter smiled and waved at them, giving them a welcoming nod. The shop was small, set right next to the fishing port of the town. It was the first of a long street, that went from small shops to large malls in the end of the promenade. “I am just saying, we could have done that  _ after  _ they played.”

“Look!” Octavia said with a grin, pointing to a shelf. On it, a large variety of colorful leather strings, braided into beautiful bracelets and necklaces.  _ 'Handmade, personalized ones available, request at counter',  _ a small handwritten sign next to it read. Clarke knew her best friend would love them, and just as she had thought she would do, Octavia ran towards them. "We totally should get ones, you know, as friendship bracelets."

“We totally  _ shouldn’t. _ ” Raven muttered, rolling her eyes. Octavia pulled her and Clarke towards the shelves, brushing her fingers against the fabric. Abigail smiled and walked to the other side of the store, checking out a few sarongs that hung on the walls. “I like that red tainted leather though.” she sighed.

“It's beautiful. Clarke, what about the blue strings for you?”

"Yeah, those three shades of blue are nice."

"Mrs. Griffin, want one?" Raven spoke with a smile, turning towards the woman and walking towards her. Abigail turned and smiled at her, then showed her a sarong. "It's gorgeous. Are you gonna try it on?"

“Yes, I think it will fit my size. So you can get one of those bracelets for Lexa instead.”

"I'm not sure she'd..." Raven started, glancing at the girl. Lexa was busy loking at a black ukelele, examining it. The latina stared at the girl's tattooed arm, at her masculine way of standing. And even if she didn't like to stereotype or judge anyone before knowing them, she finished the sentence. "... like them, ma'am."

"Still, I know you wouldn't like if you were left out in this kind of thing. Convince Clarke of making one for Lexa, okay? Tell her that I'll pay for it."

"Alright, ma'am. I'm sure you'll look gorgeous in that... dress?"

"Sarong."

"Oh, of course. A sarong."

"No idea of what is it, right?"

"Nope. Back to the lovely familiar friendship bracelets. Yaaay." the girl said with osbviously fake excitement, grinning at the woman and returning with her friends. "So, we know which ones are we getting?"

"Yup. I'll use yellow and orange ones, you the red ones and Clarke the blue ones."

"And Lexa the green ones?"

"W—What?" Clarke spoke, turning around with an offended look.

"Your mom wants to get her one too."

"My mom needs to realize Lexa is not our friend."

"Clarke."

"No."

"Nevermind, I'll get her a black one. She'll like it more."

"Ugh."

The trio walked towards the shelves and took three strands of leather each. Then they walked to the counter and smiled at the woman, who took them and started braiding. Her fingers moved swiftly, almost blurry as the strings intertwined. "Where are you from?" the woman asked as she wrapped the braided bracelet around Octavia's wrist.

"Washington."

"Beautiful city, but not as beautiful as Hawaii."

* * *

 

The group walked out of the store with the bracelets around their wrists, each of a different color. Abby walked behind them, two bags in her hands. The last one was Lexa, who awkwardly stared at the black leather bracelet and held a bag. "What did she buy?" Octavia asked with curiosity in a whisper, glancing at the girl.

"I don't know, she did it while we helped mom to choose the sarong she wanted." Clarke shrugged. Raven and Octavia shrugged, but the blonde was curious now. So she waited and then walked towards Lexa, smiling awkwardly. "So, uh. You okay?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." she nodded and walked along Lexa, glancing nervously at her. "So... what did you buy?"

"Not your business, princess."

"You're so fucking rude."

"Sorry.” Lexa said, falling silent a few moments more. “Thank you."

"T—Thank you?"

"Yeah. For the bracelet."

"It was my mom's idea."

"Still. Thank you."

"Alright... er... You're welcome."

“Look at that!” Octavia spoke, pointing at a bright pink piece of fabric that hung from the outside of another shop. This one was bigger, a two story building with a large window where mannequins were displayed. They looked at it, then at the dresses. “I want one.” Octavia spoke, pulling from Clarke’s arm to get her in the shop. Raven smiled at Mrs Griffin and shrugged, then the two of them followed. Lexa looked at them and sighed. She hated shopping.

* * *

 

The others spent an hour trying on the beautiful floral dresses, showing each other how they looked. As Clarke and Octavia argued about if the blue one was better than a green one, Raven struggled to tie the knot on the back of the dress. “Here, let me help you.” Mrs. Griffin spoke, walking inside the dressing room and taking the strap. Her fingertips brushed the girl’s skin, making her shiver. “It’s a beautiful color.” she spoke, staring at the girl through the mirror. The dress was fluor pink, ending above the girl’s knees. “Suits you.”

“Really?” Raven questioned with a dry mouth.

“Yes. You look gorgeous.”

“Thanks, Mrs. Griffin.”

“Raven, look!” Octavia practically sang as she walked into the dressing room, showing the girl and the woman the delicate piece of clothing. It was a long blue dress, of a bright shade. Long to her feet, it made her look like a princess. “It’s hot as fuck, isn’t it?” Octavia grinned with her usual cocky smile, turning to show them the back. It tied at the back of the girl’s neck and left it completely bare, covering her lower back. The fabric seemed to shine under the fluorescent light. “Lincoln will love it.”

“Yeah, you look great.”

“Raven, your face is completely red. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah!” Raven replied, shaking her head. Why she was so affected by the short moment she had shared with the woman? She didn’t know, but it seemed to be obvious now. “We should... go to the hotel.”


	4. Chapter 4

**** They took the chance to sneak out of the party when Marcus and Abby had had their third drink. The couple was dancing near the pool, not caring that they were older than many of the assistants to the party. Anyone else would have looked ridiculous in that situation, but Abigail Griffin had the gift of fitting everywhere she went. In fact, the woman actually had caught the attention of various young men around her. Marcus had started dancing closer to her to prevent them from blatantly staring at his girlfriend. Clarke had felt like puking at the sight, while Octavia and the others had found it really funny. Raven strangely was the only one to not to comment anything about it, only stared at the woman in silence. “You alright?” Jasper had asked her, confused about why their friend was so silent.

“Yeah.” Raven had answered. “When are we getting the alcohol?”

“We should go already.” Clarke spoke, obviously annoyed at her mother and her boyfriend’s behavior.

And here they were, an hour later. Sitting on the beach, the group mixed alcohols with soda and drank happily, the fire in the middle of them contrasting with the soft breeze. The night was hot and they really wanted to go for a swim, but they had been advised not to since at nights many aquatic animals liked to roam near the shore. ‘Do not bother them’, the owner of  _ The Wolf  _ had said. And so they sat on the plastic lounge chairs and laughed, drinking and singing a song from time to time. “Let’s play  _ Never Have I Ever. _ ” Jasper had suggested, receiving a few agreeing cheers. They sat in a circle and refilled their cups. “Okay… Never have I ever had sushi.” he spoke, making everyone drink except for Lincoln.

“We totally need to go for dinner to that Japanese restaurant on the corner then.” Octavia said. “My turn. Never have I ever have I shoplifted.” she grinned, then gulped on her drink. The sentence left Monty and Lexa without a drink this time. “Linc?”

“Never have I ever  have I… smoked weed?” he finished, making everyone laugh as they drank. “John?”

“Never have I ever done something I regret.”

“Your parents would surely drink at this.” Bellamy laughed as he sipped. John mouthed ‘asshole’ at him as they all drank. “Okay, let’s spice this up. Never have I ever kissed someone in this circle.”

They looked at each other with interest. Bellamy stared at Clarke, seeing how the girl avoided his gaze as they drank. Raven and Finn looked at each other and did the same, a small smile on the girl’s lips. He caressed her thigh and swallowed down the liquor, then kissed her cheek. Octavia giggled and drank, Lincoln doing the same. Jasper and Monty stared at each other and shrugged, while Wells and John silently observed. “Alright,” Clarke spoke over the sudden silence. She was curious about her friends, suddenly having doubts if she really knew them. “Never have I ever have had a crush on someone in this circle.”

Everyone except for Murphy drank, most of them finishing their cups. As they refilled them, Clarke stared at Lexa, who discretely sipped on her drink.  _ Lexa has had a crush on one of us?  _ she realized, quickly observing the girl’s movements. She seemed to be avoiding to look at any of them.  _ But who is it? _ she kept musing, unaware that Raven was speaking already. “Never have I ever have had sex.”

They all drank, or at least it seemed like it. Because Clarke was still looking at Lexa intently. She was not drinking, even if it looked like she was. Her lips were on the cup, and she had it tilted to drink. But she was not gulping down the drink, Clarke realized as she drank from her own drink. “Never have I ever have been in love with someone in this circle.” Finn said, catching her attention again. The blonde looked around and observed the others. Bellamy drank, still staring at her. She pretended she was not seeing him, and instead focused on Raven. The latina was not drinking, and did not even try to fake it. Finn next to her was too focused on drinking to notice though.  _ Odd. _

“Lexa, it’s your turn.”

“Okay. Mmm…” she meditated, thinking a good question. She did not think much though. “Never have I ever fantasised about someone in this circle.” she said with a shrug. The grouped exchanged looks and laughed, then a few drank. Some discretely looked at others, like Monty looked at Jasper, while others blew a kiss to their lovers, like Lincoln to Octavia. And when Clarke looked at Lexa again, curious if she drank, she saw the girl staring right at her as she truly sipped on her drink.  _ What the hell…  _ she thought, looking down. When she looked back Lexa was looking in another direction. Clarke shook her head.  _ I must have imagined it. _

“My turn. Never have I ever had sex with someone…” Wells bit his lip thoughtfully. “... of the same gender.”

“Ohhh.” John said, raising a brow and staring at the others. They looked around with confusion, until Octavia decided to be the one to do so. She drank and giggled, Lincoln looking at her and mouthing ‘I really wanna hear about that’. Raven was the next one, along with Jasper and Monty. The others stared at them with confused faces.

“Woah, babe. You a dyke now?” Finn questioned his girlfriend.

“I’ve experimented.” Raven shrugged it off.

“I always knew you were a bottom.” Wells said, turning towards Jasper. Monty pulled back just in time for Jasper to give the other a gentle push. “Who was the lucky one?”

“Not your business, man. But he was daaamn hot.” Jasper laughed, taking the booze and filling his cup again. “Your turn,” he said to Monty.

“I didn’t know he was bi.” Bellamy told Clarke in a whisper.

“Is that wrong to you?”

“No, no! I just hadn’t thought he… Nevermind.”

"Never have I ever begged my boyfriend to shove beads up my ass." Monty spoke with a satisfied grin, staring at Japer. The boy’s jaw fell open, and he glared at his friend for many seconds. Everyone remained silent, watching the scene, until Jasper slowly raised his cup and drank. Their questions became more and more specific from that point. At ‘ _ never have I ever woke my boyfriend up at two in the morning begging him to shove his dick inside me’,  _ a laughing Octavia and Jasper swallowed down a long gulp of vodka and lime. Many rounds later, at  _ ‘never have I ever had Skype sex’,  _ it was Raven, Finn and Wells the ones who had a gulp.

“Is your girl still in San Francisco?” Jasper asked, receiving a nod from Wells.

“Excuse me?!” Raven exclaimed when Octavia and Lincoln drank at  _ ‘never have I ever had sex in front of other people’.  _ “When and how? Details, now.”

“Well’s house, that night when we all slept over. Octavia snuck into our room and well…” Lincoln explained, shrugging. The boys, who had slept all in the same room that night, while the girls had slept upstairs. Raven still remembered seeing the girl walk upstairs, clueless back then of why.

“Ew!” the boys all grimaced.

“Anyway,” Lincoln spoke, replacing an empty bottle of vodka with another. “Never have I ever had a threesome.” he said, and John was the only one to drink.

“What?” he said, seeing how everyone looked at him with incredulity.

“Nothing.” Monty said as Jasper started humming the ghostbusters theme song.

“Fuck off, Monty.” the other said as he filled his cup once again. “Never have I ever have sent a dick pick to my mom.”

“That was an accident!”

“Oh my god.”

“You shut up, Jasper Jordan. Never have I ever been given a blowjob while driving my dad’s car.”

“That’s not fair, it happened once!”

“It has been many times, Jasper. You’re a slut, deal with it.”

“Asshole.”

“Suck my dick, I know you love to.” Monty grinned, receiving cheers and  _ ‘oooooh’ _ s from their friends.  _ So Jasper and Monty are more than just best friends…  _ Clarke thought, turning to look at Bellamy’s shocked face. He stood up in that same moment, and all looked at him.

“I’m gonna go get more booze. We’re… we’re running out of it.”

* * *

 

“You barely drank.” Clarke told Lexa as they walked back to the hotel, hours later. The brunette looked at her with a curious look, holding a plastic bag with empty bottles. She looked as drunk as the others, but as soon as Clarke had spoken those words she stiffened. Her gaze had a hint of insecurity in them, of doubt. “I mean, before the game turned into a series of outings and taunts...” the blonde explained, smiling. The game had turned to be taunts directed from ones to others, all of them in a fairly joking way. They now knew dark secrets from everyone else, and everyone knew theirs. Lexa, though, hadn’t participated in any of them, and hadn’t drank more.

“Well, I’m not the most popular one in the group, you know.”

“Yeah, but still… How do I say this…” the girl doubted. Even if she was drunk, she knew that the reason Lexa had been faking to drink was none of her business. But she was so curious about it, she couldn’t resist to ask. “I mean, I saw you drink… except you weren’t. Not in the dirty questions. Like, you didn’t swallow the vodka, you kept it in the cup. But it looked like you were drinking. Am I making sense?”

“No.”

“What I am saying is… are you a virgin?”

Lexa stopped dead on her tracks, the hand that held the plastic bag shaking. Clarke prepared for the sound of the empty bottles crashing against the floor, for the girl to start yelling at her, even hit her. But no, the girl closed her eyes and sighed. “That’s none of your business.” she said before keeping on walking towards the road.

“Oh, come on! It’s not a bad thing, you know. I’m just curious.”

“You shouldn’t be so curious then.” the brunette spoke, following the path. They walked through the palm trees and dark green plants, observing the flowers under the moonlight. There were no streetlights, only dim lights on the ground for the tourists to not to get lost. Far away, the sound of police sirens and lights broke the night silence. They were about to reach the southern road, which they had to cross to get to the resort, when a group of teenagers came running towards them.

“Don’t go there! There’s a police control, they ask for IDs and do alcohol tests to anyone who looks under twenty one.” one of them yelled at them. The two girls looked at them, watching them disappear towards the beach.

“I guess we’ll have to go to the northern entrance.”

“But the resort is huge, it will take an hour to go around it.”

“Then we’ll have to sneak in somehow.”

“Hey, you two!” a male voice said in front of them. The light of a flashlight shone on their faces, leaving them blind for a second. As it lowered, they saw a dark-skinned police officer look at them, then at the plastic bags they carried. “What are you doing?”

“We…” Lexa answered, taking a step forward.  _ Is she protecting me or something?  _ Clarke thought as the other put a hand in front of her and pushed her back gently. “... we were going back to our hotel.”

“What’s in the bag?”

“Uh…” Lexa hesitated for a second, then turned to her friend. She stretched out her arm and looked at Clarke. The blonde looked at her with hesitation, not knowing what to do or what was going on.  _ Maybe I shouldn’t have had so much alcohol... _ she thought just as Lexa spoke to her again. “Run.”

“What?”

** “Run!” **


	5. Chapter 5

They entered their room between laughs, Lexa still with the plastic bag full of bottles in her hand. “Oh my god, that was scary as fuck.” Clarke laughed as she staggered towards the bed. She fell on it and lay down while leaving out a loud sigh. “So worth it though.” she added, watching Lexa leave the bottles on the ground and then lay down next to her. She didn't seem as drunk as her, but Clarke didn't mind.

“Definitely worth it. Did you see the cop’s face when we started to run?” the brunette grinned, turning to look at Clarke. The moonlight entered through the window, illuminating her face. Her eyes were bright, with no bitterness in them. In fact, Clarke was sure she could catch a glimpse of hope and serenity in them.  _ Is she… happy? _

“Yeah! I still can't believe we just ran away from him. I like your hair! I really thought we'd get arrested though. And I almost hit a palm tree following you!”

“Nah, you weren't." spoke, ignoring the compliment. She was not used to have Clarke, or anyone, be so friendly towards her. "I wouldn't have let you get arrested with your mom here.” Lexa spoke, giving Clarke a soft push. The blonde laughed exaggeratedly, the buzz inside of her starting to fade, before pushing the other back. “I had fun today. Thanks."

"For what?"

"For inviting me to go shopping and all that.”

“Say that to my mom. It was..."

"Her idea, I know."

"Yeah." the blonde nodded and looked away, then back at Lexa. They fell silent again, not knowing what to say. "But…” Clarke bit her lip doubtfully, not knowing how to break the sudden and awkward silence.  _ I kinda like her. She's cool, _ she thought. Of course, she was unsure if it was the alcohol clouding her mind or if she actually liked spending time with Lexa.  _ She is not that bad, or weird. I mean, she likes Mean Girls. No one can be a shitty person if they like Mean Girls.  _ “You're tolerable.”

“Tolerable.” Lexa grinned, amused by her choice of words. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Her cocky smile never left her face, or at least Clarke had never seen it disappear. She always looked happy being...  _ Cocky, asshole Lexa. _ Then the brunette's peaceful expression was interrupted by a yawn. “We should sleep.” she muttered, turning her face. It was that small head movement what made Clarke notice how close they were. They stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds, Clarke's eyes going from the girl’s to her lips. A second later, she found herself wondering,  _ how would it be to kiss a girl? How would it be to kiss Lexa? _

“Yeah.” Clarke sighed, noticing the other looking at her the same way. She felt her mouth dry.  _ Shit, no, don't dare to do that Clarke. Get your shit together.  _ She shook her head and stood up. “I'm gonna go change.” she muttered, walking to her suitcase and opening it. She took her short yellow pajamas and walked into the bathroom, struggling with the doorknob. Lexa looked at her all the time, smiling at the girl's messy but careful steps, until the door closed behind her. It was only then when she felt she was able to look away, letting out a relieved sigh. Standing up and opening her travel bag, she took a long t-shirt and got changed. She looked at herself in the full-length mirror of the room, staring at the  _ KISS _ logo for a second. Somehow, she felt as if she was looking at herself from the corner of the room, wondering what the girl that looked at herself in the mirror thought. Wondering if that really was her, and not just some random girl. She then turned and looked at the large bed, that she’d share with Clarke for the next few days.

“So…” a voice spoke from the other side of the room, making Lexa turn around. Clarke was standing there, leaning against the wall. She wore her hair in a messy braid and a yellow pajama with green stripes. The brunette couldn’t help but stare for a few long seconds before actually listen to the other. “... sharing a bed thing?”

“What?”

“The bed. Do we sleep together? Or...?”

“Oh, of course. Uh...” Lexa seemed to be doubting, despite the slight tilt of her lips. Her smile grew wider within seconds though, and Clarke swallowed down. She was sober enough to know the girl would make a sassy remark now. "I can put a pillow wall if you feel like you are not going to resist the need to cuddle me, Princess."

"Jerk." Clarke spoke, half-joking. "Not enough pillows."

"Then you should sleep on the floor."

"I am not sleeping on the floor!"

"Then we'll share a bed."

"I am not sharing a bed with  _ you _ !"

"Well, it’s that or sleeping on the floor." Lexa raised a brow and then walked to the closet, taking a few blankets from it. She dropped them on the floor, then took a pillow and dropped it too. "See?" she spoke, spreading the blankets on the floor. "I'm sure you'll be really comfy."

"Jerk. Why don't you sleep on the floor?"

"It's you the one who doesn't want to share the bed, not me. I don't mind."

"Oh, I know what we can do!" Clarke excitedly spoke, her hand going to retrieve a coin from the pocket of her shorts. "Heads or tails?"

Lexa rolled her eyes. "Heads." she muttered, seeing how Clarke threw the coin to the air— and then watching it drop to the floor. The blonde bent forward to catch it, yelling.

"Dang it!"

"It was heads right."

"Yeah..."

"It looks like you're sleeping on the ground, princess." Lexa grinned, walking past her and entering the bathroom. Clarke's hands closed into fists and she studied the improvised bed, how uncomfortable it looked. Still, she lay down and rested her head on her pillow.  _ She'll have to sleep here tomorrow, I swear. Damn Lexa and her stupid black hair and her stupid nice eyes and her braids and arm tattoo and smokey makeup and... _

She was fast asleep when Lexa came out of the bathroom.

* * *

 

Clarke opened her eyes at early morning, when the sun was about to rise. She turned on the bed with a smile on her lips, which disappeared quickly as she realized how much her head hurt.  _ Stupid vodka and stupid Lexa and stupid bed on the ground…  _ she thought, turning on the bed.  _ Wait.  _ She moved a second time, noticing how the ground wasn’t that hard. She opened her eyes and looked under her, the mattress covered with a white sheet.  _ What the… _

And then she saw her. Fast asleep and curled into a ball, Lexa lay on the ground with strands of her black hair covering her face. How they had swapped beds, Clarke wasn’t sure at first.  _ Did she get me in bed?  _ she questioned, unsure of the obvious answer. The blonde couldn’t help but smile.

_ Thank you, Lexa. _


	6. Chapter 6

The blonde woke up with the sound of her phone buzzing on the nightstand, it echoing in her head for a few seconds. She rolled on the bed and let out a loud sigh, moving her hand to put her hair back. That bed was so comfortable, she felt like she had rested for many hours despite sleeping only five. She wondered if all double beds were this comfortable in the resort, if the single ones would be as good. Maybe it was that she had a lot of space to sleep in. She did not envy Lexa, who slept peacefully on the floor. She rolled again on the bed and looked at her.

Except the girl wasn’t there, the blankets being already folded and the pillow on top of them. Clarke looked around the room, then closed her eyes lay down back on the bed. There were no sounds coming from the bathroom, and the balcony door was closed. Lexa was simply not there, as much as she wanted to thank her. She was sure she would have not been able to endure a whole night of sleeping in the hard ground. Her phone buzzed again, and she turned to take it.

> **_Jasper - ‘duuuuude, i’m smashed’_ **
> 
> **_Monty - ‘same. too much booze yesterday.’_ **
> 
> **_Raven - ‘you guys are so weak’_ **
> 
> **_Jasper - ‘at least we had some fun last night, not like you and finn ;)’_ **
> 
> **_Finn - ‘yeah… we heard you, assholes. and we did have fun!!!’_ **
> 
> **_Raven - ‘i’m not touching your dick in a million years. still mad at you.’_ **
> 
> **_Finn - ‘but baaaaaaaabe’_ **
> 
> **_Octavia - ‘she’s right finn. u were an asshole yesterday’_ **
> 
> **_Bellamy - ‘can we change the topic? when do we have to be downstairs?’_ **
> 
> **_Clarke - ‘my mom said 9’_ **
> 
> **_Octavia - ‘it’s 8:30...’_ **
> 
> **_Clarke - ‘i’m gonna shower then. Bye’_ **
> 
> **_Monty - ‘same’_ **
> 
> **_Jasper - ‘same’_ **
> 
> **_Wells - ‘... you two showering together?’_ **
> 
> **_Jasper - ‘wanna join?’_ **
> 
> **_Monty - ‘JASPER!’_ **

With a smile, the girl decided to stand up and walk into the bathroom. She felt like she really needed a shower, being able to feel the sand on her body and the alcohol impregnating her hair. She stripped down, standing naked in front of the mirror for a second. She caught a glimpse of her naked body, and thought that she might be slightly tanned already.  _ No, it must be the light.  _ She brushed off the thought and got in the large tub, opening the tap and letting the water fall on her. Too cold at first, she shivered, but soon found the perfect temperature. Closing her eyes, she started cleaning her body while thinking. That last night so many things had happened, and they still had six days there.

_ I can’t believe Monty and Jasper are dating. It’s just, woah. Like, he checked out that girl yesterday, and he looked very into her… but well, maybe he’s bi. It would be nice to have another person who… no, Clarke. Don’t think about that, you’re here to relax, not focus on your problems. You’ll have time to do that when you are not hangover. The others might be smashed, they drank way more than me. Raven didn’t though… why didn’t she drink when they said if someone had been in love with someone that was there? Isn’t she in love with Finn? But they’ve been dating for ages… I gotta talk to her, ask her what is going on, if she is okay. She never tells me anything about him… Has she fallen out of love or something? It’s good my mom is there for her when she needs her, it must suck to not to have your mom to talk about this stuff. Bellamy is probably very lonely too. But he has Octavia, even if she spends a lot of time with Lincoln. Maybe she knows more about Lexa, since she spends so much time at their house… How the hell can be Lincoln and that jerk living under the same roof without killing each other? He must have a lot of patience, she is… strange. She looks normal, even cute if you look at her— no. She’s weird, and a jerk. I hate Lexa Grounder. I hate her so much. _

_ And that asshole, that jerk, she was so nice to me yesterday. I can’t believe she let me sleep on the bed… Did she carry me? Of course she did, Clarke, how would you have ended up on the bed if she hadn’t?! Ah. She’s really nice actually. Maybe she just pretends to be a jerk…  I gotta ask Lincoln. _

She got out of the shower and looked around for a towel to wrap herself in. After absurdly looking in all the small cabinets of the bathroom, that could only fit small things like a hairbrush or toothpaste, she realized they were in the entrance closet. She sighed and walked out of the bathroom and to the door. It was then when the door opened and someone came in, their bodies clashing together awkwardly. Clarke tried to keep her balance, trying to hold onto the door or a wall, but the weight of the other made her fall back down. “What the—” she spoke, falling on her back onto the floor. “Lexa, what the hell!”

“C— Clarke?!” the other exclaimed, equally surprised. She stared down at the girl that had made her stumble, and then at her hair. “Why is your hair— Oh my god, why are you naked?!” she spoke, quickly standing up and turning around with her eyes shut. “Oh my god.”

“Oh my god! I was— I was taking a shower!” Clarke defended herself, yelling at the girl. “Why are you sweating?!”

“Why are you wet?!”

“I went for a jog!”

“I was in the shower!”

“Cover yourself!”

“I was trying to, but the towels are there!” Clarke yelled, pointing at the closet.

“Why didn’t you pick it up before then?!”

“Because I didn’t know!”

“You’re so…. Nevermind, here, have this.” Lexa spoke, her face completely red. Clarke covered herself with the towel, her eyes focused on the fact that the girl didn’t stop looking at the wall, as if too scared to even move. Was she causing that reaction? She turned around and walked to the room, sitting on the bed and starting to dry her skin.

“So, are you showering or do you plan to stay staring at the wall all day? You smell, you know?” Clarke spoke, leaning to get her bikini and put it on. Lexa turned around and took a towel, walking like a robot towards the bathroom. The door closed and Clarke rolled her eyes, a small smile on her face. “This girl is too weird.”

A few minutes later, she knocked on the bathroom door. “Hey.” she spoke, opening the door slightly but not looking inside. “You there?” she received a hum from the girl, telling her to keep speaking. “We’ve all agreed to be downstairs at nine, so… you know, see you downstairs in ten minutes.”

“I’m not going.” Lexa said from inside the shower. “I want to sleep and do some stuff.”

“Mhm…” Clarke hesitated. “Alright.” she spoke, taking her key card and walking out of the room.

* * *

“Lincoln, can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course.”

“Okay, so...” Clarke started. The two of them distanced from the others as they waited for their table to be ready. “I know that Lexa came to the school last year and all stuff, and that she got to your house two years ago. Buuuuut... Well, how exactly did you two become siblings?”

“It’s not… Clarke, it’s personal.” the boy said, glancing around and realizing she wasn’t there. Clarke saw his usual smile disappear, and he turned to look at her. “Why is she not here? What have you told her?”

“I did not do anything, Lincoln. She hates me, so I cannot ask her anything.”

“What do you mean she hates you?”

“I just know, Lincoln. She has always been awful to me.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Clarke. Lexa is weird, yes. But she is not a bad person, and she definitely does not hate you.”

“Okay.” she sighed, although she had no idea what the other meant with that sentence. Abby called them and they all sat down on the table, half of them hangover or almost asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

They were in the swimming pool when the brunette with braids appeared, wearing a black bikini under a baggy t-shirt. Her hair was now in two long cornrow braids, what kinda upset Clarke.  _ Your favorite is problematic, Lexa Grounder edition. She is just like Kylie Jenner, appropriating cultural hairstyles.  _ She grinned and had to laugh at her own internal joke. Lexa approached them and hugged her brother, who muttered something to her ear. He gave a soft pull from her braids, making her laugh and then walking back to the lounge chair where Octavia lay. Lexa walked past them and left her towel on an empty chair. She then took her top off, making Clarke go breathless.

She hadn't noticed the day before, but Lexa Grounder had the most amazing, perfect six-pack shaped abs, including the lower ones. She didn’t look like a bodybuilder though, as if her body was about to explode or she spent hours at the gym. She looked just in shape, athletic but not too much, like if she had worked out for years but without getting too obsessed with it. At least that was what seemed to Clarke. She swallowed down, her mouth dry as she stared at the girl’s skin. She was sweating too, the blonde noticed. Why the hell did she suddenly feel so heated?  _ Holy shit, Lexa Grounder is hot as h— Clarke, no! Don’t think of that, you’re not— No, Clarke, she is not that hot, don’t fool yourself. You’re just admiring her body from the feminine jealousy point of view, not because you are— Think about other stuff, like Chris Evan’s abs or something. Good. Now just get underwater and fucking get your shit together. _

She turned and started swimming around the pool, quickly joining the others into a racing championship. Being the best swimmer in the group, Jasper won at almost all races, with the exception of two last times, when Lincoln joined them. From time to time, a much calmer Clarke would stare at Lexa, who sat on her chair reading a magazine. “She’s hot, huh?” the blonde heard, turning around and seeing Raven look at her with a grin.

“W— what?”

“You might fool Octavia, Bellamy or all the others.” Raven spoke calmly, making sure that no one else could hear her. “But not me. I know what it feels like, and I am here for you, always.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. It is okay to feel like that for a girl. I do too.” Raven smiled at Clarke’s realisation. “Yeah, but  _ shhhhh _ . I don’t want Finn to know, or he’ll start proposing threesomes to me.” the latina shrugged and went back to swimming with the others, following Lincoln and taking the inflatable ball they had from him. Clarke stared at her for many seconds, before turning around again. And then she saw her.

Lexa was talking to a tall blonde girl in a blue three piece swimsuit, with defined curves and tanned skin. From where the girl was she couldn’t see her face, but she could see Lexa’s— and she looked more than just entertained. The brunette had the same cheeky smile than when she was an asshole towards Clarke, but the way she stood was in a quite appealing way. Clarke’s mother had taught her to read people’s body language, and the girl was obviously flirting with the blonde.  _ Ugh,  _ Clarke thought when she saw the blonde start toying with her hair and run her free hand up Lexa’s arm. She sighed and turned, her annoyance obvious as she started to swim towards her friends.  _ I hate that girl. And Lexa. So much. _

* * *

They sat down at the large table, everyone chatting and making jokes about how Jasper had gotten a skin burn because he hadn’t put sunscreen. “Nice tan, Jasper. Next time don’t go for the ‘red lobster’ look, dude.” Wells grinned.

“Asshole.” the other said, giving the boy a punch on his shoulder. He sat in front of Thelonius, with Wells on his left and Monty on the other side. Next to the boy were Finn and Murphy, who chatted with Lincoln about the latest  _ Call of Duty  _ game. Octavia looked obviously bored, despite Clarke was right next to her. Maybe it was that the blonde was too distracted, looking around and wondering where Lexa was. She hadn’t appeared, since she and the girl had left the swimming pool and walked towards the beach.

“What’s wrong? You don’t see your lil’ love?” Raven joked, giving her a soft push. Clarke turned around and let out a sigh, asking the other silently what was happening to her. “It’s okay.” Raven spoke, taking her hand and letting the other squeeze it. “You just have a crush.” she whispered.

“Who has a crush? Clarke?!” Octavia grinned, suddenly interested in their conversation. That was how the girl’s mind worked, she was not interested in something until she could gossip about it. Clarke usually thought of Octavia as the stereotypical teenager girl, who obsessed over boybands and liked makeup more than food. And she was, most of the time. “Clarke, who is it?”

“No one. Really. Nevermind.”

“Look, there’s Lexa.” Raven muttered, looking at the girl approach. She still had her hair braided and completely wet from swimming in the sea, although her clothes were completely dry. She waved at them uninterestedly.

“Hey, sorry I’m late Mrs Griffin.” she politely spoke.

“Don’t worry darling, take a seat.” Abby spoke with a wide smile before looking at her daughter. Raven turned to look at her, as if to avoid making eye contact with the woman.  _ She really is starting to act strangely when mom is near us _ . “Clarke, make some space for Lexa.”

“Yeah.” Clarke nodded and moved closer to Raven, making space for another chair to be added to the table. The brunette smiled and thanked her, then sat down. Abby watched the scene from next to the latina, smiling as Clarke did not object to be seated next to the other.

They had lunch between animated laughs and small chat. Clarke sat in silence, observing the scene. The last twenty four hours had completely changed the sight of her group of friends, of the people she thought she knew. Jasper and Murphy were dating. Since when? Jasper had been dating a girl, Maya, for years. They had been high school sweethearts, even had gone to prom together. But now Jasper was dating Monty?  _ He’s bi too? He… he looks so okay with it.  _ She swallowed down, she had never thought any of her friends were like her.  _ I always knew Monty was gay though,  _ she thought to herself _.  _ She turned and looked at Lincoln, who chatted with Octavia.  _ They look so in love, it is even scary. I totally get why they are together, they’re great with each other. But Lincoln… why doesn’t he talk to Lexa? They don’t seem to be close, at all. It’s like they ignored each other, and just talk when they have to. Do they hate each other or something? But then why do they joke around and act so much like real siblings? _

Something fell to the floor. She turned and looked at her side, seeing how her mother had accidentally dropped a fork. Raven turned and leant to grab it, while the blonde’s mother did the same. Their hands found each other’s and the two of them locked stares. A long stare, Clarke noticed, realizing it was going on for more than ten seconds.  _ Since when do my mother and Raven feel awkward around each other?  _ she wondered.  _ This whole trip is becoming too surreal…  _ she thought. She was so lost in her musings that she didn’t notice her mother’s fingers moving on Raven’s skin, caressing her hand. And then they sat up again, each turning to look on the opposite side.  _ Maybe it is that I am just too tired after last night,  _ Clarke convinced herself.

* * *

“Raven?” the blonde spoke, biting her lip. The latina turned down and waited for her as the others walked out of the dining room of the hotel, staring at Clarke with a questioning look. “We need to talk.”


	8. Chapter 8

Raven stopped on her tracks and looked at her friend with both a panicked and confused look. Unsure of the reason of this talk, she slowed down her pace and let Clarke walk next to her towards the elevator. There was still a lot of noise coming from the large dining room, so the latina approached her friend. “What's wrong?” she asked, silently hoping this had nothing to do with the blonde’s mother. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I mean, well…” she sighed, then shrugged. “I don't know.”

“You don't know…?”

“Okay, so you know I am starting to feel stuff about Lexa, right?” she started, knowing that she had to speak quickly before she got embarrassed. Raven nodded, watching Jasper and Bellamy walk past them and get in the elevator. The latina took a step forward, but Clarke pulled from her friend’s arm and dragged her away from it. Jasper and Bellamy looked at each other and shrugged as the doors closed behind them. “Well, I've been thinking, and I feel like there is more about her than we care to know. Like, we just know she is a bit weird and that she's Lincoln's adopted sister. But we don't know anything else about her.”

“But Clarke, you say you hate her. That's why we don't really talk to her, because we thought that you—”

“Yeah, but…" Clarke interrupted the other. "What if I don't hate her?”

“What do you mean?”

“Ugh, I don't know how to say it… so imagine that I never have hated her, and that I just didn't want to like her." she spoke, hoping Raven wouldn't judge her. "I've known her for like only one year, and last summer was when I... Well, I realized that I was starting to feel attracted to girls. So maybe… mmm... Do you remember what I told you? That on the first day of class she parked her bike right in front of my car and blocked my way out?” Raven nodded again. “Just imagine if I had already known that I liked girls, and I wasn't in denial. Imagine if I hadn’t been a jerk to her after that day, that I had just been nice. Maybe I would have convinced her to not to park in front of my car for a week, you know? What if I had been just nice to her, and not just… deny that it…”

“Turned you on?”

“What?”

“Clarke, you have a crush on Lexa because it kinda turns you on that she is weird.”

“No that is not—”

“It is. It sounds to me like you try to convince you hate her, but in fact you are starting to realize you don’t. And that sucks for you, because you are still on denial. You don't want to accept you're bi, because it will make it feel more real than it already is.” Raven spoke with confidence, as if she knew. She looked around and then dragged Clarke to one of the couches of the hotel’s hall, sitting down next to her friend. The brunette held her friend’s hands tight, comforting her. “Listen, I know what it is like. That happened to me two years ago. Before Finn, I used to like this girl. We used to fight a lot, she was quite a bitch towards everyone. But I really liked her, it was damn hot. So one day I decided that it was okay to be gay— or bi— and that I would just try to get over her being an asshole. And you know what? She is still one of my best friends.”

“Friends? It… didn’t work out?”

“Nah. We had sex a few times, and we considered being girlfriends, but she moved to Canada with her parents. We still text a lot, almost every day. She's got a girlfriend, and I've got Finn.”

“I didn’t— You never told us that!”

“I don’t really like talking about how I realized I was bisexual to my boyfriend’s friends, you know.”

“Right, Finn didn’t know until yesterday…”

“No, he didn’t." Raven looked down. "He is a bit of a jerk when it comes to this. He... makes me feel bad about liking girls too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah." the latina sighed and then looked at Clarke, shaking her head. "So the thing is, you have to try and figure out what you really feel towards Lexa. Accept that you are attracted to girls, and to her. Then, see what kind of attraction is it. Maybe she just turns you on, maybe it's something more romantic... If you really like her, then make a move. Don't waste time, because that's what happened with L— my friend. And we've both seen that blondie flirting with her at the pool. If you don’t, if it is just that you're feeling horny, then try to move on and just ignore her.”

“Okay. So..." Clarke hesitated. "If I liked her... Like,  _ really _ liked her... What move should I make?”

“We are going to a club tonight.” Raven spoke with a grin. “Start by telling her to come with us.”

* * *

 

Lexa and the blonde had gone for a walk right after having lunch, talking about everything and nothing. Costia was slightly shorter than Lexa, thin but with nice curves. She was the most beautiful girl the brunette had ever seen, although she was sure she thought so because she just had a thing for blondes. “I can’t believe we’ve met here after like, two years.” Costia spoke with a giggle. “Remember when we went to Anya’s house? Right before you left?” she questioned, receiving a nod from the other. “It was the most amazing summer, right?”

“Yeah.” Lexa smiled, walking into an elevator and pulling Costia close, their lips meeting passionately. Costia’s arms wrapped around her neck as the brunette pushed her against the wall, her hands wandering under the girl’s sundress and caressing her thighs. The girl still wore her three piece swimsuit, still slightly wet from swimming in the pool with the brunette. “I’m sorry for leaving so soon. I couldn’t do anything to—” she was interrupted by the other pulling her into another kiss, hushing her apology and smiling against her lips before the brunette’s tongue sneaked into her mouth again. Costia loved to do that, interrupt her while she spoke what the blonde thought was nonsense.  _ Just like we were in Los Angeles,  _ Lexa thought. The memories of her past came to her, making her feel nostalgic but happy at the same time.  _ Not the same though. This time I’m ready.  _ The elevator made a sound and the doors opened. It was Lexa’s floor. “Wanna go to my room?”

“Hell yeah.” Costia nodded, pulling the brunette out of the elevator and then letting her guide her through the hall of the hotel. Lexa swiped her card and the lock’s light turned green, the door opening for them. “I’ve wanted to do this since we were sixteen.” Costia grinned, pulling the girl inside. Lexa closed the door and walked into the bedroom, being pushed onto the bed between passionate kisses.


	9. Chapter 9

Clarke opened the door of her room with a smile on her face, having spent a whole hour talking to Octavia and Raven. The three had agreed to be nicer to Lexa— Raven arguing that it would be better for the whole group’s sake— and to invite her to all their plans. That was the least they could do for Clarke, now that she knew she was crushing on the girl. Although Octavia didn’t know, of course. The girl was able to keep secrets, but not when it came to anything related to crushes, hook ups or love. Knowing her, she would immediately go to see Lexa and tell her that Clarke was in love with her and that they should make out. The blonde cringed when thinking that. She entered the room and went straight to the bedroom, stopping dead at the sight.

Lexa was there. But she was not alone, she wasn’t. A girl—  _ the girl—  _ was lying on top of her, her pale skin exposed. She was missing all clothes but her panties, her body pressed against Lexa’s as they moved against each other. They were kissing heavily, their hands intertwined. They rolled on the bed awkwardly, Lexa being the one on top now. She was sweating, her dark hair pulled back into a ponytail. The blonde let out a moan against Lexa’s lips, kissing her back and groping her chest through a sports bra.  _ I guess she didn’t even have time to take off her underwear, huh?  _ she thought, clearing her throat. The couple stopped and looked at her, then pulled apart. Lexa’s eyes were wide open and her jaw dropped, her gaze going from one girl to another. “Clarke, I—”

“Yeah, uh, no need to say anything. Call me when you’ve cleared the room.” the blonde spoke angrily. Her mouth was dry and her eyes burned, but she was not going to cry. She was mad, so mad. Mad at Lexa, mad that she was with another girl, mad that that blonde was lying on top of her friend, mad at herself for having a crush on the brunette. She turned around and walked out of the room. She would not let Lexa see her tears.

“Clarke, Clarke!” Lexa came calling behind her, running down the hall and taking her arm. The blonde didn’t turn around, not wanting to look at her in the eyes. She raised her other arm and wiped the tears away, then turned. Her lips parted at the sight, the girl looked desperate. “Hey, listen. I— Costia and I— We were not— It was not gonna happen.”

“You don’t have to excuse yourself. And let my arm go.”

“Shit, sorry.” Lexa pulled back and put some distance between them, then sighed. “Listen, I know I don’t have to explain, but I want to. Please,” she spoke, and Clarke saw how the girl was struggling to say something, desperate to explain what was happening. “Just, come back to the room. I will explain, okay? Please.”

“And what happens to  _ Blondie _ over there?”

“She’s— Don’t call her  _ Blondie _ . Her name is Costia.”

“Do you think that I really care about her name?”

“No, really. I�— Okay, I’ll get her out and then we talk.”

“No need to get me out,” a voice spoke behind them, the golden haired girl looking at them with crossed arms. “I’ll leave. It seems that you’ve got something to fix here, darling. See you later.” Costia added, stealing a quick kiss from the brunette before walking away and into the elevator.

“So, did you and  _ Blondie  _ have a good time?”

“Actually, we did. Until you got here.”

“Ha.” Clarke chuckled. “I am such an awful bitch for interrupting you and a random girl you’ve met at the pool…”

“No, wait. She is not a random girl. She’s my ex girlfriend.”

* * *

 

“Holy shit.” Clarke spoke, sitting criss cross on the bed. She was sitting in front of the brunette with a hand covering her mouth, gasping at the revelation. She still couldn’t believe what a mess was Lexa’s story, and how incredibly true it seemed to be when the girl told it. “So are you telling me that this girl, Costia, and you… dated?”

“For two years, yes. Since we were fifteen until I moved away.”

“And you met… here?”

“I know, it’s weird.”

“So weird.”

“Fucking weird.” the brunette spoke, letting out a sigh and then covering her face with her hands. “She’s here, Clarke.”

“Yeah. But why is that such a deal? Did you have a bad breakup or something?”

“No, no. It’s just that…” she sighed again. If she was going to open up to Clarke, even if it was just so the other wouldn’t hate her so much, she would. “Okay, so you know that I’m a virgin.” she started, receiving a nod from the blonde. “Costia and I were together for two years, but I was never ready to have sex. At first I didn’t because I didn’t want to. My— My mom, she was a very big believer in God and a devout Catholic, you know. And I did too. I really wanted to keep my virginity intact until my wedding night. Of course, that didn’t last when I saw Costia naked for the first time…” she laughed, making the blonde roll her eyes before letting out a laugh. “Yeah. I mean, she was my first crush, then my first girlfriend… my first love. I loved her with all my soul.”

“But you two never… you know.”

“Yeah. I just couldn’t bring myself to it. It was as if something didn’t click, you know.”

“And now? Did I really… interrupt?”

“Not really. We were only kissing.”

“Wait, you… you just kissed? For an hour?!”

“Yeah. I— I couldn’t do more. I kinda was... pretending I was more into it than I was. I wanted to get rid of it already.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Do you know why it is? Why you don’t… you know.”

“I’m not sure. When I was little it was because my convictions, but later I thought I was just asexual.” she explained. “Then I realized I did feel attraction— sexual attraction— towards Costia, and well, other girls. I thought I was ready, you know? I mean, I’m eighteen already, and I really wanted to. But it had been a year since we had seen each other, and it was so different. It was as if what we had, that connection… it was lost. Maybe there is something wrong with me… And well, maybe there is.”

“No, there’s not!” Clarke told. “Maybe it is not your thing, that’s it. Or maybe it’s the person… have you tried with someone else?”

“N— Not really.”

“Then maybe it is that Costia is not the one.” the blonde smiled and shrugged. “But, whoever it is, please don’t do it in  _ our  _ hotel room…”

“Oh, no, no. Sorry about that.”

“Don’t worry. Just, don’t do it again.”

“I won’t. Thank you... For not being mad at me.”

“Well, you’ve stopped being such an asshole towards me so…”

“I’ve never been an asshole towards you.”

“Excuse you? Ever since you parked that stupid bike in front of my car you have treated me like crap.”

“No I haven’t!”

“Yes you have.”

“Maybe. Just a bit.”

_ But that’s only because I like you, Clarke Griffin. _


	10. Chapter 10

The bright neon lights contrasted perfectly with the darkness that fell on the rest of the street. The club was in the end of promenade next to the biggest mall in the city. Two men guarded the entrance, checking IDs and controlling the few people that were already drunk. Inside, the group danced and laughed, the effects of the alcohol they had drank before entering the place starting to be visible. Octavia giggled, talking to a twenty eight year old bartender. Contrary to Raven and Clarke, the girl didn’t seem to notice how the man was flirting with her. Next to them, the rest of them danced awkwardly, the boys trying to show off their best moves. “Aren’t you a bit angry he’s like, trying to steal your girl?” Bellamy asked Lincoln at some point.

“Nah, I trust Octavia completely.” the boy had answered, watching his girlfriend take the three drinks and walk towards them. A few boys checked her out, and some girls too. Clarke simply couldn’t help it, Octavia was wearing a dark blue dress with a bare back that displayed the girl’s cleavage perfectly. Raven swallowed down next to her. The brunette handed them their drinks, left her own on the table and then turned to Lincoln, taking his hand and dragging him into the dance floor. Jasper came close and took Clarke’s hand, starting to dance with her.

“Hey babe…” Finn started, walking towards Raven and taking the drink on the table, gulping it down in less than one minute. The latina raised a brow and huffed, rolling her eyes. “Do you forgive me?”

“Let’s just dance and forget about it.”

* * *

 

“Oh my god, I’m already exhausted and it’s not even three in the morning.” Octavia laughed, gulping down her third drink before going back to dancing. Clarke and Monty rolled their eyes, both of them sitting on one of the leather couches that were around the tables. Next to them, Jasper was almost asleep with his head resting on his boyfriend’s shoulder, while Wells watched Bellamy and John ordered another round of drinks.

“Where’s Finn?” the blonde asked when Raven approached them, tumbling and alone.

“Isn’t… Isn’t he here?”

“Nope.”

“Haven’t seen him since he met  _ Tinkerbell. _ ” Jasper muttered, loud enough for Monty to ask.

“Who?!”

“A blonde girl with a green dress…” the boy explained, now loud enough for the others to listen. “It was very shiny.”

“What…?”

“Shiny as fuck.”

“Raven, I’m sure it is not…” Clarke started, suddenly spotting the girl’s boyfriend on the other side of the dance floor. The blonde girl wore a very short dress, it exposed her thighs almost completely and her long hair put up in a ponytail. She ground her hips against Finn, who had his hands on the girl’s hips, swaying behind her.  _ Finn, no. Don’t hurt Raven… not again, please.  _ “You know what, he’s probably in the toilet. Wells can go find him, right?”

“But I was gonna—”

“Toilet. Now.” Clarke ordered, hoping that the four drinks Raven had had made her not notice her condescending tone. “And you and I are gonna do shots, then dance.” she grinned and Raven and pulled her towards the bar, ordering two tequila shots and taking the salt. She licked the back of her palm and put some on it, then gave it to the girl. Raven rolled her eyes and did the same, taking a shot. They gulped it. “Another round!” Clarke yelled.

Minutes later, and after three more rounds, the two of them enthusiastically danced and sang along to Whitney Houston’s  _ I Wanna Dance With Somebody.  _ “Okay, maybe the whole retro dance session doesn’t suck that much as I said!” Raven laughed, then ran towards the boys that sat on the couch, watching them. She grabbed Jasper’s hand, then Monty’s. “C’mon guys! Let’s dance.” she grinned, quoting the David Bowie song that was starting to play.

_ Everything is so fucking great,  _ Raven thought.

Although it wasn’t. She had danced with the boys for an hour, lost in the moment. She could feel the alcohol running through her veins, her body moving at the sound of the music. She spotted Octavia and Lincoln approaching, the boy with a triumphant smile as other boys in the club looked at him with obvious envy.  _ I wish I was as in love as they are.  _ She turned and swayed her hips, grinding against Monty and laughing. John and Bellamy joined them, almost the whole group dancing together and singing along a Michael Jackson song.  _ Everyone except for Finn. Where is him? Why is he never here when I need him?  _ she wondered. Her head was spinning, in the best way. She was drunk, she did not have to care about her boyfriend.  _ That stupid asshole.  _ She cared, she really did care.  _ I wish I knew where he is. _

She saw him, and she wished she hadn’t. Her whole world crashed down with each time her boyfriend’s lips met another girl’s. The blonde girl Jasper had talked about.  _ Tinkerbell _ . Raven pulled back, stepping on John’s foot. The boy let out a chain of insults, then watched her walk away. Everyone else stood there, except for Lincoln.

* * *

 

“Where’s Raven?”

Octavia and Clarke were clueless about where their friend was. It had been already half an hour since the latina had left, and she only had replied to one text—  _ ‘I’m ok. Don’t worry. Talk later’. _ They had tried to find the girl outside, but had only found a group of smoking teenagers, and two boys peeing between cars. They reached the conclusion that the girl probably was having a drink somewhere in the club. “Let’s check the toilets! Maybe she’s there, throwing up. I could use throwing up too.” Octavia reasoned. The blonde rolled her eyes and they walked towards the girl’s restrooms. “Isn’t that Lexa?”

“What?”

“That girl, with the blonde. Why is it always blondes? Hoes. Not you Clarke.”

“Shh, Octavia, you’re not making sense.” Clarke hushed her up, watching the two girls that waited in front of them in the line. Costia kissed Lexa’s neck, lost in the heat of the moment, her eyeliner messed and her lipstick faded from kissing. Lexa, on the other side, was not into the action, at all. In fact, she seemed disgusted, like as if the girl was too drunk for her to enjoy it. Clarke’s mind quickly ignored that, focusing on the girl’s clothes. A plaid shirt, open and revealing a black crop top under it. She wore ripped jeans and a snapback too.  _ Skater girl look very much, Lexa. You’re a cool stereotypical 2010s lesbian, we get it. Please make out with me. _

“Claaaaaaaaaarke, I’m gonna puke.”

* * *

 

“You okay?” Lincoln asked, walking out of the club behind Raven. The girl was obviously agitated, her hands shaky. He looked at her, he really did not have the closest relationship with her. “You wanna go home? I’ll text the others, we can l—”

“No, no, it’s okay. I just… I need some fresh air.”

“Okay. I’m… coming back inside. Text us if you need anything, okay?”

“Okay.” the girl smiled and nodded. She waited a few moments, watching Lincoln walk back inside. Then she took her phone out and called the only person she knew could make her feel okay. “Abby? I need you. Please.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We have reached 10k hits, and I wanted to reward you guys with another new chapter! I usually only post on Wednesdays, but whenever this story reaches a milestone (kudos, hits, etc) I will post an extra chapter to show you my gratitude. So thanks for reading, and remember to support this work with kudos, or comments if you've already kudo'ed this story!

“The boy can’t go in.”

“It’s okay Clarke, I’ll just wait here.”

Jasper nodded at her and watched Clarke enter the toilets with Octavia, the girl giggling uncontrollably and then quickly covering her mouth as the nauseas came back. The blonde pushed her into a stall and quickly put her friend’s hair in her hand, gripping it tightly as the other emptied her mouth. She looked up to avoid seeing the repugnant scene, her mind going to Raven. As soon as Octavia was back to her drunk— but not smashed— self, she would go get the girl and they’d go home.  _ You know what, I’ll tell Raven to just go for girls. She’d be happier than with Finn. Hell, she’d be happier dating anyone but Finn.  _ “You done, gorgeous?” she asked Octavia, who nodded at her— and immediately started vomiting again.

A few minutes later, it was Clarke’s turn to vomit. She hadn’t had as many drinks as her friend, but her body was not as used to drinking. Octavia was a party animal, she just needed to puke before keeping on dancing. The blonde finished, and a few seconds later both girls were giggling without control again. “Oh my god, we seriously need to stop drinking.” Clarke laughed, then stood up. “Okay, you ready to walk outta here? I gotta find Raven.”

“And me?”

“Jasper will take care of you.”

“If he’s not busy with Monty.”

“Don’t be silly.”

They stood up and locked hands, the two girls walking out of the toilets and finding Jasper waiting for them. The three, now with less difficulty, walked towards their friends, all of them standing around the table. It was as if the mood had suddenly changed between them, because no one spoke. “What… what’s happening?”

“Raven’s not here.”

“What?”

“She’s left.”

“What— How— When?!”

“Clarke, we didn’t see him but she did and we just thought she was tired or like needing some air and Lincoln went with her but then she said she was okay, and now she’s gone and—”

“Monty, fuck, breathe. Calm down, then explain.”

“What he’s trying to say,” Lincoln started. “Is that when we were all dancing Raven saw something. We didn’t know what it was, we just thought that she was just getting too hot or like needed to be calm or something. I went with her, she said she was okay. I was worried about you and Octavia, so I came back in. But she wasn’t coming back, and now she’s not here. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Lincoln… Let’s just find her. She might be here somewhere, right? Maybe Finn knows.”

“Actually, guys… I doubt Finn knows.” Bellamy said, pointing to a couple that eagerly made out in a couch near theirs. The girl’s shiny dress was what they needed to recognize who they were— Tinkerbell and Finn. All of them started talking at the same time.

“Son of a—”

“So that’s why she left.”

“I’m going to kill that motherf—”

“Asshole.”

“Poor Raven.”

“I’m sure it’s not the first time.”

“Clarke, we need to— Clarke, don’t!”

The blonde couldn’t help it. She had started walking towards the couple, carelessly pushing the girl off her friend— if she could call him that anymore. She was not going to be stopped now, her hand hit the boy’s face with a loud sound. Not many people heard it, but many saw it. People gasped, including Finn, that stood up. “What the fuck?!”

“I hope you roth in hell, asshole.” she yelled. She then spat on his face, and turned back to the rest, who looked at her in both awe and confusion. Lincoln was holding Octavia, preventing her from attacking Finn with her long fingernails. “Let’s go, we need to find Raven.”

* * *

 

They didn’t find Raven, not despite the long hour they had spent looking for her. Finn finally joined them again, only to find out that no one was talking to him anymore. He still had the girl’s lipstick smeared on his lips. “I just talked to my dad, Mrs Griffin came to pick her.” Wells said, sitting down on the sidewalk next to the others. Everyone sighed in relief. At last, they had decided to call the adults, only to find out that the girl had left hours ago.

“Let’s go home…” Bellamy sighed, standing up and stopping a cab. Everyone followed, some getting in the same cab and the rest in another. Clarke and Wells were about to get in the last car when Lexa appeared.

“Clarke,” she called from behind them, walking towards them with Costia behind. “You guys have some space in there?”

“Not really.” the blonde said, suddenly realizing that there was no space for Wells to get in that cab if she got in. Either she left Wells alone with Lexa and her girlfriend, or she went with them. Either situations would be awkward. She swallowed down and said, “But Wells and I will need another cab anyway, so…”

“You can go in this one if you want, Clarke. I’ll go with Lexa.”

“No, it’s okay. We’ll both go with them, that way Jasper can lie down a bit. He looks like he needs it.”

“Oh, okay.”

The boy pulled back and closed the taxi’s door, realizing that Clarke did not want either of them to be a third wheel. They found another taxi, the driver looking at them and nodding. Wells opened the back door and watched the three girls get in, Clarke first. He closed the door behind them and then got in the passenger’s seat, telling the driver the address.

“Lexa…” Costia muttered, leaning against the girl and starting to kiss her neck. The brunette closed her eyes, but pushed the girl away.

“Costia, no.”

“But Lexa…” the girl said again, leaning towards her and trying to pull the other’s face towards her, wanting to kiss her. Lexa didn’t turn, and instead pushed the girl farther from her.

“I said no. Get some rest, we’ll be in the hotel soon.”

“But…”

“Get some sleep, Cos. Please.”

“Mmmm… Kay.”

Clarke pretended that she wasn’t listening to them, that the sights of the sea under the moonlights and the campfires on the beach were more important. Wells seemed to do the same, although for a second their eyes locked through the rear view mirror. They were both as uncomfortable, and as glad they were not alone through this situation. The rest of the trip was silent, only interrupted by some comments made by the driver. The car entered the resort and stopped right in front of the hotel, Wells paying for the ride and helping Costia out. Lexa followed, quickly taking the girl in her arms and walking into the hotel. Clarke watched them disappear inside the hall, then turned to Wells. “Thanks. Going alone with them would have been awkward as fuck…” she said as they walked inside and into an elevator.

“Clarke, it was awkward even with me there. But at least I am used to be the third wheel...” Wells rolled his eyes, then muttered, “So Lexa and that girl…”

“I guess.”

“‘I’m sorry.”

“Sorry? For what?”

“It is hard to see someone with someone else when you have a crush on them.”

* * *

 

Clarke couldn’t stop crying. As soon as Wells had left and she had entered the room,the tears had started rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t really know why, she wasn’t sure why. She suddenly realized how she had spent all night trying to avoid thinking about Lexa, and with that she had forgotten to be a good friend. She had lost Raven, her best friend, the person she trusted the most, alone in the worst moment of her life. She heard the door open a minute later, Lexa walking in as quietly as she could. She stopped on her tracks, having heard her cry.

“Clarke, are you okay?”

“... yeah.”

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I’m sad.”

“Oh. I’m… I’m sorry.”

Clarke didn’t know why the other apologized, or why wasn’t she going to fight with her about having to sleep on the floor again. She just knew that for once, the girl’s apology sounded genuine.


	12. Chapter 12

Clarke’s head was spinning when she woke up. She hadn’t had that much of alcohol. Or at least she didn't remember she did. She tried to focus on last night, but the last thing she remembered was to take the third round of shots with Raven.  _ Shit, Raven.  _ She didn't remember what she had seen, said or heard the night before, but she had a vague idea of it. Finn had cheated on Raven, she had disappeared. They had looked for her for a long time, she had seen Lexa and Costia. Had he seen them kiss, or was her brain making that up? She remembered Lexa frowning, telling her something. Or had she been talking to Costia.  _ Oh, the taxi.   _ She remembered Lexa being angry, but why would she be angry at the girl? _ I'm never drinking again... _ she thought as she made an attempt to stand up, her stomach suddenly rumbling and the need to vomit suddenly appearing. She opened her mouth just as a plastic basin was left on her lap.

“Phew, just in time.” Lexa spoke with a laugh, sitting next to her and taking her hair in her hands. Clarke’s body stiffened when she felt the other’s fingers on her hair, her grasp strong but gentle as she leant forward again. “Take it all out.” the brunette sighed, watching the other make a mess. “Careful not to stain the carpet. Or throw up all over me.”

“Ew. That’s—” she puked again. “Gross.”

“You’re the one who drank too much yesterday, you’ve got no right to complain.”

“I know, I just—” she couldn’t speak before she threw up again.

“Don’t talk. When you are done, go take a shower."

And so she did. After throwing up a few times more, the horrid taste of alcohol and last night’s dinner mixing in her mouth, she stood up and walked to the bathroom. Lexa had left for a few minutes, wanting to get some water in the expending machines downstairs. The blonde undressed and got under the shower head, opening the water and letting the water stream fall on her. She washed her body once, then again. She then took shampoo and washed her hair, closing her eyes and imagining it was Lexa’s fingers the ones massaging her head. A blurry image came to her mind, a scene from last night. She was sure she had spotted Lexa dancing with Costia, in her skater lesbian outfit. They looked quite into the action, although the brunette hadn’t been able to stop looking at her once that she had spotted her. Had that been real, or it was her hangover mind showing her what she wanted to believe?

At last, she had come to terms with being interested in Lexa. Just as if she had lost someone, she had gone through a few stages that now were clear in her mind. At first she had been shocked that she had these thoughts towards the girl, quickly denying them in hopes that they would disappear. Then she had been angry at herself, for having those feelings and not being able to identify or act upon them. She had continued by feeling guilty, wishing that she had done or said something. Last night she had cried, although she still wasn’t sure if it was because of what had happened to Raven or because she now knew that Lexa and Costia were together. And now, as she rinsed the shampoo off her hair, she just accepted it.  _ Okay, Clarke. She’s your first girl crush, but that doesn’t she’ll be the only one, right? Like, you are bisexual, you actually have a lot of options, twice as normal people… You’ll meet someone else. You just gotta forget about her. _

_ Those abs though… _

Why was the image of the brunette’s body in her mind, she wasn’t sure of it. But Clarke was somehow now able to appreciate the definition of the girl’s muscles, in a different way than when she had been in the swimming pool. That athletic body combined perfectly with the girl’s gorgeous eyes, her lips, her hair. Clarke’s hand moved between her legs, gently caressing her mound as she let out a sigh.

She imagined herself touching those abs next to the swimming pool, her fingers playing with her damp hair as Lexa leant against something and flirted with her. She imagined herself being the one dancing with Lexa in a club, moving her hips and laughing during the most vivid songs and grinding her hips against the other’s during the slowest ones. She imagined her tongue meeting Lexa’s not only one, but two, maybe even three times as they kissed deeply for the first time. She imagined herself being on top of Lexa, her clothes gone and her underwear about to disappear. The girl would caress her body, run her fingers over the small stretch marks of her lower abdomen, maybe spot some freckle on her skin. She imagined having her fingers touch the other girl the same way she was touching herself now.

Clarke came quickly, letting out a loud moan and resting the back of her head against the cold tile wall. She opened her eyes widely, a gasp escaping her lips as she realized that she had been masturbating almost furiously in the shower. Her chest rose and fell as she tried to come down her high, her eyes opening as she realized another thing. She had masturbated thinking about Lexa, and she had felt really good about it.

* * *

 

When she got out of the bathroom, a towel wrapped around her body and her wet hair cascading on her shoulders, Lexa was already there. Dressed in gym clothes that showed off her body, she lay down on her stomach, her phone in her hands. She wore a sports top, which left in plain sight the beginning of a large tattoo. An infinity symbol, then an intricate combination of symbols, drawings and lines that disappeared under the top. It made no sense to Clarke, she was sure they weren’t letters or planets or anything like that. “H—Hey.” she said, announcing her presence.

“Hey. Are you feeling better?”

“Yeah.” Clarke muttered, unable to take her eyes off the other’s inked back.

“What’s wrong?”

“N— Nothing. I just… I like the tattoo.”

“Didn’t think you were a fan of them.”

“Why not?”

“You don’t look like the type of girl who likes tattoos.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t cover all my back with ink, but… I appreciate art.”

“Of course you like art, you’re studying a degree about it aren’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“You wanna see the whole tattoo?”

“Um… sure.”

Lexa grinned and sat up, then removed her top and turned around. She sat criss cross in front of Clarke and pulled her hair to the side, showing the blonde her tattoo. The shapes weren’t drawn perfectly, but they surely formed a beautiful combination. She bit her lip, her hand lifting to brush the girl’s skin. She felt Lexa shiver, probably being slightly cold. Clarke examined every inch of the tattoo in silence, spending two long minutes running her fingers slowly up and down the girl’s back. Somehow the contact felt way more intimate than many other things she had done with her friends.

“Do you like it?” Lexa muttered, sounding almost like a scared little girl.

“It’s beautiful.” Clarke sighed in return.


	13. Chapter 13

They had been in silence for a minute more, Clarke observing one of the dark ink lines that covered the girl’s spine. Their moment of peace was only broken when the brunette’s phone buzzed. It was Costia, Clarke saw for a second before the other put the device away. “Sorry. She’s quite annoying when she is hangover.” Lexa explained with a chuckle. “ _Lexa my head hurts, Lexa I’m dizzy, I shouldn’t have drank so much, why did you let meeeeeeeee?_ ” she mocked with a high pitched voice, making Clarke laugh loudly.

“Octavia’s the same!” she pointed out, although she suddenly realized that the girl was ignoring her friend. Why had Lexa taken care of her, and not of Costia?

“Octavia seems like a really nice girl. Yesterday she even hugged me.”

“Oh, she’s a hugger, but only when she likes people.”

“She likes me then?”

“You interested in her?”

“Hell no, I’m over straight girls.” Lexa grinned.

“So you’re…”

“A lesbian? Yeah.”

“You’ve got it very clear.”

“I’ve known since I was like twelve. Mama, my mother, she was very supportive, even if she was Catholic. She even helped me out with Costia when we started dating. Costia’s parents are religious bigots, so mom would let us have some privacy at home… and baked cookies so we wouldn’t be hungry.”

“She sounds like a wonderful woman.”

“She was.”

“Um… Was?”

“She died.”

“Oh! I’m— I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay. It’s been more than a year now... and I hate that she’s gone, but I prefer to not to keep grieving her death and live my life as she would have wanted me to.” she explained, shrugging and smiling at the other over her shoulder. She then turned around and sat criss cross opposite to the blonde. “That’s why I came to live with Lincoln.”

“Well, I thought so… I mean, they couldn’t have adopted you if your parents still were…” she fell silent again, realizing that she was being quite insensitive. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay. In fact, my dad is alive.”

“Oh. Then how…?”

Lexa hesitated. Her gaze lowered to her hands, her fingers now moving nervously and playing with the hem of the bedsheets. It was as if she wasn’t sure if what she was about to say was right, or if she should keep quiet. She sighed. “Okay, I am going to tell you something but I want you to not to say anything, to anyone.”

“Um… okay?”

“Promise.”

“I promise, yeah.”

“Really?”

“Yeah! It’s not like you killed someone, Lexa.” Clarke chuckled. “Right?!”

“No, no.” Lexa laughed, giving the other a soft push on the shoulder before sighing. “Okay, this is a long story, I don’t even know where to start. My mom got pregnant when she was young, only nineteen. I never got to meet my father, and she hid my birth certificate so I wouldn’t know his name or anything. At first I was angry about that, thinking she was just not letting me have an opportunity to meet him. Then I realized there was something very dark about it, so I decided to believe in her. I knew she wanted me to be safe. But when she died, the state ordered for me to go live with my biological father, in Washington.”

“Wait, are you saying that—”

“Lincoln is my half-brother. Yeah.”

“But— Your father is Lincoln’s father?!”

“Yeah.”

“How… Oh my god, that is why you barely speak to each other!”

“Is it so noticeable?”

“He doesn’t act like he’s happy with his family adopting you… you guys barely talk to each other.”

“He is everything but happy, Clarke. He hates my guts, and I can understand why.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. You know his parents are divorced, right?”

“Yup.”

“I’m the reason why. When the letter informing my father that he’d have to take care of me until I was eighteen came to their house, things exploded. Lincoln’s mom, Mandy, found out her husband had cheated on her years before, and they fought. When I came to live with them, no one spoke to me. They let me stay in the guest’s room, but they ignored me. It felt all Harry Potter there, but with a nicer room.” she chuckled, then shrugged. “A few weeks later, I got home and Mandy had left. All her stuff was gone. No one cooked, no one cleaned. Lincoln was always either at school or in Octavia’s house. Our father started drinking. That was a year ago, and Lincoln still hasn’t forgiven me.”

“What about Claire?”

“Claire’s great with me. With all of us, honestly. They met in an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, she’s been sober for twenty years now. When she and dad started dating, she quickly realized things had to change. When she was home everything was clean, she brought leftovers or just came to cook. I started helping her, and I learned a lot for when I go live on my own. She convinced both dad and Lincoln to let me come here. Our father loves her too much to say no, and Lincoln prefers to not to fight with her. After all, she’s the reason our father has been sober for ten months... He's starting to like her.”

“I see.”

“Yeah.”

“This whole story… it’s messed up.”

“I know.”

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For all that.” the blonde told, reaching out and taking Lexa’s hand in her own. She gave it a soft squeeze, then brushed her fingertips on the back of her hand. The brunette’s eyes lowered to their hands, then to the other’s eyes. “Going through it, I’m sure it is not easy.”

“It’s not, but it is getting better. Lincoln is starting to like me too.” Lexa smiled shyly, her cheeks going slightly red as she gave the other’s hand a soft squeeze in return. Her gaze then fell to the blonde’s lips, and returned to her eyes almost immediately. Clarke subconsciously mirrored her actions, licking her own lips and leaning forward slightly. The brunette did the same, her hand gently pulling from Clarke to get as close as she could. Their lips were just a few inches away, the blonde could feel her heartbeat increase with every second that passed. Lexa’s hand was sweating slightly, but neither of them cared.

Then their phones buzzed again, and the moment was broken. Clarke’s eyes opened wide and she pulled back, quickly standing up and rushing to her bed. She took her phone from her nightstand and opened the text. “It’s your mother.” she heard Lexa say. “The cars are here.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I've been missing for a while, but I've moved to another country and I've had to study a lot. But I'll try to write as much as I can, and keep updating on wednesdays!

“Raven!” Clarke practically screamed when she saw the girl sitting on a chair in the cafeteria, next to the blonde’s mother. Each held a cup of coffee in their hands, the bags under their eyes obvious. Had they spent all night awake? Where had they been? Why had Raven called Clarke’s mother? Clarke, or anyone else, did not get an answer to her questions. Both women were completely silent, avoiding to speak about the topic.

“Look!” Raven spoke with a grin, taking the chance to advert everyone's attention and put it in the group of colorful spots appearing in the sky. They were too high for the group to distinguish the people falling, but more and more parachutes opened and filled the sky with colors. “I really want that fluor green one.”

“I kinda like the red one.” Octavia grinned right after. Everyone started to say what color they wanted their parachute to be, hoping that they could get their favorite one. Clarke was silent, looking at the brunette that stood next to her from the corner of her eye. Lexa had tried to kiss her. Or had she tried to kiss Lexa? Would it have really happened if no one had texted them? Would it have been a good or a bad kiss? How did Lexa kiss? She kept asking herself that question once and again, wondering about how the girl’s lips would feel on hers. It was then when she felt the girl’s hand brushing hers, just slightly. She turned and looked at her, locking stares with the brunette before looking away. Somehow her heart raced when the other looked at her, her face went completely red, her hands trembled.

A tall man approached them, asking if they were the group that was staying in the Palm Trees Resort. They nodded and he directed them towards the hangar, where they signed a series of papers saying that if they died the skydiving company would not be responsible. “It’s not like we are going to be able to complain if we die.” Raven laughed, signing her paper and turning around. She seemed to spot someone, because she raised a brow and grinned at Clarke, signaling for her to discreetly turn. The blonde set her eyes on a tall, tanned guy with black hair and blue eyes. Well, Raven didn’t have bad taste at all. “Although I wouldn’t mind dying with him.”

“Ahem.” they heard someone cough, making the two girls turn. Raven raised a brow, watching her boyfriend’s cheeks get red and a frown on his face. His deadly glare did not seem to bother her.

“What? You make comments about other girls being hot, I’ll make comments about other guys.” Raven spoke with disdain, walking away towards Octavia, Abby and Monty, who stared at a plane that took off in the distance. They looked quite unsure about getting on it later.

“It looks like a mosquito.” Abby sighed. Raven was about to walk to her side when Marcus appeared and started massaging his girlfriend’s shoulders, wanting her to relax.

“Calm down Abby, it can bring you up there safely. See?”

“Yeah, I know. But…”

“No, no buts. Nothing will happen.”

The man left and walked away, making Raven roll her eyes. Marcus could be so self-absorbed sometimes, and not even notice that his words hadn’t calmed Abby at all. The latina walked towards the woman and took her hand. “It will be okay. I’ll be with you.”

* * *

 

Clarke looked at Lexa, sitting next to her in the small plane. They were fourteen people in it, seven instructors with the seven people they were jumping with. Clarke and Lexa sat in a bench between two tall middle aged men, with Abby and Raven behind them. The blonde could feel her mother’s back against hers, the soft movement of her foot tapping against the floor. “Mom, calm down.” she whispered, making the woman’s movements stop for a few seconds.

“Yeah, ma’am Griffin. It’s not like we are gonna die or anything.” Finn spoke.

“Shut up, asshole.” Raven spoke, glaring at the boy sitting next to her. The five of them were sitting in a long bench, all of them facing the side of the plane. They all could see one of the wings, in front of a bright blue sky. “It’s gonna be okay, A— Mrs Griffin.”

Clarke’s attention shifted when she felt the brunette next to her shift. Lexa had her eyes closed, her hands on her thighs. She looked calm, although her whole body was stiff. “You okay?” Clarke asked, all her attention now focused in the girl. That used to happen quite a lot, now that she was aware she had a crush on her.

“Yeah.” the girl muttered. “Just trying to relax.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Clarke fell silent, feeling that she was bothering the other. Lexa sighed. “I’m a bit afraid of heights.”

“What?”

“What you hear. I’ve always been afraid, since I was little.”

“And you are going to jump off a plane?!”

“Yeah.”

“You’re crazy.”

“Shut up, princess.”


	15. Chapter 15

“God, that was _amazing_.” Jasper said as they took off the suits. They couldn’t stop talking, telling how that it had been hilarious to see Monty be pushed out of the plan by his instructor and hearing him scream, how Wells almost peed in his pants, how Murphy was sure he looked good in the video they took of him but Bellamy and Raven were sure he looked scared as hell. Clarke was unable to focus on the conversations around her, watching Lexa smile as she took off the suit completely andd walked towards the counter.

“When will the videos be ready?” she heard her ask as she approached. Lexa’s voice had something strange in it, gigglish and joyful, almost like a little kid at Disneyland. She had never expected the brunette to be afraid of heights, and she had never expected to see her so wonderfully excited after jumping off a plane. “And how much does it cost to, like, jump regularly? Is it too expensive or like if you are part of an skydiving club it is cheaper?”

The blonde was in awe. Was Lexa actually implying that she would like to start practising skydiving when they came back to washington? The blonde walked up to her side and leant against the counter. “Someone really loved this, huh?” she questioned with a smile, trying to look cool despite her heart melted at the sight of the glimmer in the brunette’s eyes.

“I did, actually. It’s like you’re a bird, flying on top of the world. You see the world under you, you see the sky and the line of the horizon, curved because you are so high… It feels like if you were completely free while you fall, you know?”

“Woah, calm down, Shakespeare.”

Lexa was about to respond, her mouth opening to pronounce some words but being interrupted by the woman behind the counter. “The videos are ready, you can see them in that screen. Put the headphones on and choose the one you want to see.”

“Come on, I want to see yours, Princess.”

“Why not yours first? You like to watch me suffer, huh.”

“Nah, but I’ll surely love to hear you scream.” Lexa grinned, making Clarke forget to breathe. _She did not mean that she would— Clarke focus she did not— There was nothing sexual in— Get your shit together, Clarke!_

* * *

 

They got back to the resort after lunch time, and so they decided to get some sandwiches and go to the beach. While getting changed into her bikini, Clarke couldn’t help but keep wondering about what Lexa had said about flying. It was true that when she was falling, between the fear and how impressed she was at the fact that she had just jumped off a plane, she hadn’t been able to think much. But now she realized how good it had felt to do so, how good it had been to see what she had seen. It had been great to feel what Lexa had described before.

The brunette had disappeared as soon as they had got to the hotel. _She’s probably with Costia,_ Clarke thought with resentment as she took her towel and put on her flip flops. She walked out of the room and knocked on Raven’s door. The girl walked out of the room with an angered face, but was quick to conceal her feelings. “Hey there.” she spoke with a smile as she started to walk down the corridor. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Clarke said. She really wanted to tell Raven about what had happened with Lexa that morning, but she had to wait until she was sure no one would interrupt or hear their conversation.

And so they walked towards the beach, meeting the others in what had become the spot they always lay their towels on. Quickly everyone was running up and down the beach, playing in the water with inflatable beds and a ball or in the shore with the tennis paddles. Octavia and Lincoln left, allegedly to go for a walk to the rocky parts of the beach, while the adults also had left. At some point, two hours later, Raven came back from swimming and smiled at Clarke before laying down under the sun, taking the chance to dry before it set. “What’s up, buttercup?”

“Oh well, where do I start. We jumped off a plane today, Bellamy won’t stop complaining about Octavia and Lincoln acting so in love, I almost kissed Lexa this morning and I think I’m gonna get a sunburn.”

“It was a regular question, no need to r— WAIT, WHAT?!”

“Yeah.”

“You almost kissed Lexa?! How?! When?! What?!”

“Don’t scream, for fuck’s sake!” Clarke shushed her, looking around with wide eyes in hopes that no one had heard her friend. Once she was sure, she explained everything to her friend, with every single detail. Raven’s mouth twisted with every word, sometimes pleased and sometimes annoyed. Clarke wouldn’t let her interrupt her, knowing that otherwise the girl would start rambling and asking questions. “... and that’s it.”

“Oh my god, Clarke.”

“I know.”

“You two are so having sex before we leave Hawaii!”

“Raven!”


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for not updating!! I've been studying and working in a different country for a month and a half and I've been so busy that I haven't been inspired or able to write anything down.

“Why didn’t you kiss though?” Raven questioned with curiosity, her eyebrows raised. Surely, the revelation that Clarke and Lexa had almost kissed had surprised her, but at the same time she had the feeling that it was supposed to be. Raven was sure she had always been a bit of a witch somehow, she always knew who would hook up with who and who’d be heartbroken. Or maybe she was very observing and payed attention to what others didn’t. “Seriously, even if we interrupted you, you could have given her a quick kiss or something… Tell her that you’d finish that later.”

“I am not as much of a flirt as you are, Raven. I don’t know how to do this kind of stuff… to be cocky. And even less with Lexa.”

“You’re falling for her so quickly.”

“I know. Is it crazy?”

“Not really. I think that when you meet someone that immediately clicks with you, who shares your interests and is somehow perfect for you, it doesn’t matter if you’ve only known her for a month or all your life. And well, you met Lexa a year ago, maybe you already crushed on her before but you didn’t realize it until now.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“Come on, you silly head. I wanna go to bed, and you… you’ve got things to do with Lexa.” the latina said with a grin, winking at her before standing up.

* * *

 

Clarke had been sitting down inthe bed for almost an hour, reading a magazine that she had bought in the hall of the hotel, when Lexa walked into the room. She had last seen her in the beach, talking to Octavia. She had been surprised at first, it was the first time that she saw the two girls speak directly to each other. _Maybe Octavia is doing what she promised… imagine if they became best friends now,_ she thought, not being able to grin as she and Raven had walked away from the beach. “Hey.” Clarke said, smiling at her— and then noticing the tears on her cheeks. “Oh— What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

But of course, the blonde couldn’t believe her. She watched her roommate sit on the bed, letting out a sigh before starting to sob and covering her face with her hands. The blonde immediately jumped off her side, abandoning the magazine and walking around the bed to wrap her arms around the girl. “Hey, hey.” she spoke, pulling her into a hug. The brunette abandoned herself in the display of affection and started sobbing. “What’s wrong?”

“I told Costia I couldn’t be with her. It’s… it’s over.”

* * *

 

They spent many minutes in silence, Lexa in Clarke’s arms and the blonde with a blank expression. She didn’t know what to say, she didn’t know what to do. Of course she knew that things weren’t going well with the couple’s reunion, after all Lexa had told her about how she didn’t feel like doing more with the girl now that they had changed so much. “Listen, I cannot really say anything to make you feel better…” she started, knowing that she didn’t know the girl much. “But do you want to play cards or something to distract yourself or something? We could watch a movie on my laptop. Or go to the beach or something, for a walk...”

“Cards is okay.” the brunette replied, wiping away the last tears on her cheeks and pulling back. She looked at Clarke and gave her a small smile before sitting further on the bed. The blonde immediately reached for the game of cards in the nightstand of her bed and sat in front of her, starting to distribute the maze. They spent more minutes in silence, leaving the cards on the bed one after another. “I win.” Lexa said with a faint smile after the first round. Clarke let out a huff and rolled her eyes, then started shuffling the cards. After two more rounds, she noticed how the brunette was now smiling widely every time she lost. “Aaaaand, I win!” Lexa grinned.

“Oh, come on, it’s obvious that you are cheating!”

“I am not, princess!”

“You are counting the cards!”

“How?!”

“I don’t know, you just are.” Clarke pouted, crossing her arms and staring at the other with a deathly glare as the brunette shuffled the cards. Despite her actions, she couldn’t help but quickly start smiling. _Well, at least she’s back to acting normal. This is the Lexa I like._

* * *

 

“I’m sorry for crying before.” the brunette said out of nowhere as they finished the twelfth round. Clarke gave her a nod, not fully comprehending what the other said until she continued. “I know it was already over, with Costia. But now… it’s for good, you know? Like so for good.”

“And are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Lexa nodded, putting another card on top of the others. “She was too different from when I met her.”

“But are _you_ okay? Like, I don’t care about Costia, I care about you. Are y—”

“Ha! I knew it!”

“You knew what?”

“That you like me.”

“What?! No. No! I don’t. No. Not at all. Nope. _You?!_ No.”

“Liar.”

“ _I am not lying!_ ”

“Liar liar pants on fire!”

“Oh, come on! Why would I like _you_?”

“I don’t know, let me think... Because I’m smart? Because I’m funny? Nah, it’s totally because I’m hot!”

“It’s not because of that!”

“So you _do_ like me.”

“No that’s not what I— ugh! I hate you!”

“Nah, you like me…” Lexa smirked. “Just like I like you.”


	17. Chapter 17

“Wait, what?!”

“Yeah, I like you.”

The cards fell from Clarke’s hands as she stared at the other, her lip trembling slightly. She was in complete shock, both ecstatic and confused. What was Lexa saying? Did she like her the same way Clarke liked the girl, or was it just as in a friendly way? For Clarke, it was just too much to know that a girl liked her. She was not out yet, she had just realized she was bi, how could she now deal with this?

“You like me like… like as a friend?”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I’ve just been  _ gal pal’d  _ by you.”

“ _ Gal pal’d? _ ”

“Yeah, it’s when people mistake lesbians for girl friends. But really, I like you. In a friendly way yes, but also in a lesbian way.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Since when?”

“Since the day I met you.”

“But that was…”

“The day I parked in front of your car, yes.”

* * *

 

Lexa didn’t want to take her motorbike to school, she really didn’t. How could she bring the precious Harley Davidson her mother had given her to a public high school? What if it got stolen or vandalized? She couldn’t stand that idea, and yet she had to in the end. Because Lincoln, the asshole that she now had as a half brother, refused to drive her to school despite what his step-mother said. In the last year Lincoln and her hadn’t stopped fighting, for every little thing. From why Lexa had left a bra on the couch to agitated arguments about how Lexa had broken the boy’s family, they had even hit each other a few times. Sometimes Lexa simply fought with Lincoln to make her presence noticed. She couldn’t help it, she didn’t like to be part of the Grounder family, and she knew she was not welcome in it, but she was stuck with them until her eighteenth birthday.

In front of the mirror in her room, she put a black  _ Kill Bill  _ top tank and long leather pants, then started applying makeup. It took her twenty minutes to be ready, hearing Lincoln grumbling in the room next to hers. She ignored the noises and started braiding one side of her hair, pushing it to the other side and then making sure she looked okay. Breakfast was quiet as usual, with no one talking except for Claire. “Come on Lexa, you’ve got a test today, eat something more or you’ll get dizzy.” she had said at some point, receiving a smile from the girl. Then the two teenagers had left better  Lexa going to the boy’s car but being stopped by him.

“You walk today, bitch.”

“What?!”

“I am not going to drive you to school.”

“But —”

“Go away, Lexa. You are not my sister, and you will never be.”

She had to admit, these words had hurt a bit more than they should have. True, she hated the guy as much as he hated her, but at the same time she missed the feeling of having a loving family. She let out a sigh as she looked at the car leaving without her, then looked into the garage. She would have to walk over an hour to get to school, unless she took her bike. She preferred to be late the first day than to leave her bike there unattended, but at the same time she knew she could not be late the very first day.  _ Lexa, honestly… Think about how cool you’ll look going to school in your Harley.  _ That thought seemed to settle the balance, because twenty minutes later she was driving in circles in the school’s parking lot, trying to find an empty space. Finally she saw an empty one, wide enough to park a small car. It would do, until she found out where the motorbike spots where. But as she drove towards it a car rushed in the middle and easily parked on it, pop music playing loudly inside. The brunette couldn’t help but let out a groan, slowly approaching the car.

“Hey, I was gonna park there.” she said calmly, looking at the driver. A blonde girl, probably same age as her, with blue eyes and her hair put into a ponytail. “Hey,” she started again, knocking on the window of the car and being ignored by the girl. She looked into her purse, as if she was trying to find something.  _ Is she really ignoring me?  _ Lexa thought, watching the girl take her phone and start scrolling down through pictures. “Hey. Hey!” she tried to get her attention, but the blonde ignored her. “Bitch.” she scoffed as an idea appeared on her mind. With a smirk she walked over to the bike and got on it, moving it in front of the car and parking it there. It was in that moment when the blonde looked up and saw her, rushing out of the car.

"Hey!" the blonde yelled. "You can't park there!"

"Suck it, princess."

Lexa grinned at her and turned around, leaving the girl standing there and looking at her with hate.  _ It’s such a shame I am still in love with Costia and you’re such a bitch, blondie. You are actually quite cute. Nice eyes, nice legs, nice tits… and I need a cold shower now. _

* * *

 

Clarke listened to the story with wide eyes and her mouth wide open, one card still trapped between her fingers. The brunette looked peaceful as she explained how she had felt, how she had tried to be nice to her at first. “I tried to talk to you the next week, but you told me to get lost. And Octavia pushed me away.” Lexa admitted. “I wanted to beat the shit out of you that moment, but also… well, I already liked you, so I would never.”

The blonde couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  _ And I thought she was being an asshole! I was so obsessed with Instagram that I didn’t even notice her! Shit…  _ Between the feelings of guilt and shame, Clarke also started to feel something in her lower abdomen. Maybe it was the fact that Lexa hadn’t been an asshole to her at all, that she was just defending herself from Clarke and her bitchy comments. “Lexa, I’m so sorry…”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not. If I hadn’t been such an asshole, maybe… maybe we could have been friends way sooner.”

“It wouldn’t have happened, Clarke. We’re really different, and— well, I was still not over Costia. I felt guilty for liking you, and at the same time I had a big crush. I was a mess.”

“Yeah, but… God.” Clarke sighed. Raising her hand, she hesitated for a second, not really knowing what to do. Her lip trembled, her eyes locking with Lexa’s.  _ It’s now or never, Clarke,  _ she thought before pulling forward and putting her lips on the brunette’s. Kissing her with force, she put a hand on the back of her neck, pulling her close and keeping their mouths against each other before pulling back.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You have every single right to hate me for not updating for three months!!!
> 
> I feel like I need to apologize, and so I tell you I am really sorry. My life has been a mess since july, specially my love life. And with all that drama, I didn't feel inspired to write romance stories. Also, anxiety and depression decided to make a team and make me quite unable to get anything done. But today at midnight (now it's like an hour later) I said to myself: I want my happy Clexa back. My happy, awkward, cute lil' sapphic teenagers. Ahhhhh, I love them so much.
> 
> So yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, new chapters are coming!!!!

“Woah.” Lexa gasped as they pulled back, her eyes wide at the blonde’s actions. She had expected Clarke to do something, of course. Just not  _ that.  _ Her eyes focused on the blonde’s, her teeth biting down on her lip before letting go and bursting into laughter. She felt her own cheeks burning, but she knew her face was as not as red as Clarke’s as she awaited for her reaction. The blonde stared at her with worry, maybe embarrassed for her actions. Lexa grinned. “I’m sorry, I just… That caught me so by surprise!” she laughed, leaning forward to kiss the other again. Their lips made contact in a more soft way, Clarke relaxing under her touch and smiling against her lips. The gave each other small kisses, laughing between them, until they finally pulled back. “I have to say, even though I’ve been waiting to kiss you for a while, that was too much for me.”

“What do you mean?”

“I like kisses more... slow, you know? Like, gentle and all that stuff.”

“Really?! I thought you were more the kind of rough make out and pushing each other against walls…”

“Why do you even think that?! I’m the virgin here!” Lexa grinned, making the blonde smile with her at the realisation that the girl was much more comfortable with talking about that.

“I don’t know, you have this punk-biker-rockstar look, it looks like you’d be that kinda girl.”

“Nah. I like kisses more slow, like… Like when you are dating someone, that the kisses are more caring that when it is just making out.”

“So like this?” Clarke questioned with a raised brow, moving closer again and kissing her lips slowly. Her cheek moved up to the other’s cheek, caressing her soft skin as they moved even closer, not daring to break the kiss. After a few seconds, Clarke broke up the kiss and smiled shyly. “Um… do you wanna lay down?”

“Yeah, of course.” Lexa smiled and moved back, lying down and giving the other a nod. Clarke swallowed down, the realisation that she was not just making out with Lexa for the first time— this was also the first time she had kissed a girl. What if she wasn’t doing it right? Raven said it wasn’t like kissing boys, what if she did something wrong. “You okay?” she heard the other ask, taking her out of her musings.

“Y— yeah. A bit nervous.”

“Me too.”

“Really?”

“Yeah… I’ve had a crush on you for a year, Clarke. I am really fucking nervous.”

“That makes two of us then. I don’t… I don’t wanna do anything wrong.”

“Don’t worry. You won’t… and if you do, I’ll tell you, okay?”

“Okay.” Clarke nodded and finally lay on top of the brunette, her hand placed on Lexa’s waist. She inhaled deeply and focused again on kissing Lexa, enjoying the silence that fell on the room. The moonlight entering through the large window of the room made it almost impossible to look at each other, night finally falling over Hawaii. With her weight resting on her arm, Clarke would stop from time to time to look at Lexa, looking into her eyes and noticing the now obvious spark in them. Lexa liked her, she did not hate her. The same way she liked the other, and had not realized it until recently. Clarke thought she was too dumb sometimes. Instinctively, her hand slowly moved under the other’s top, caressing her skin. Lexa’s body stiffened under her touch, making the blonde pull back. “You okay?” she questioned with worry.

“Yeah, I just am a bit ticklish.” Lexa laughed. “You realize I’ve done more than just kissing, right?”

“Yeah, but only with Costia so...”

“You haven’t been with any girls before, Clarke.”

“I’ve been with guys.”

“Trust me, not the same.”

“Why does everyone say that? It only stresses me more.”

“Who said it to you?”

“Raven.”

“Of course. Girl is obviously hot for your mom.”

“Ye— wait, what?! That can’t be true, silly. Raven is with Finn.”

“Uhuh. Because their relationship is such a good place right now...”

“Ugh, don’t mess with my head! I don’t really wanna talk about my mom right now…”

“Me neither.” Lexa laughed, moving quickly to kiss Clarke and rolling on top of her. They kissed slowly again, although this time the brunette’s hand quickly moved under the blonde’s top, caressing the soft skin of her waist. “You are quite cute, you know?”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. I’ve been checking you out every day in the cafeteria.”

“No way!”

“Yeah! You always wear nice outfits. I remember the one with a sweater and that plaid skirt, back in… october, I guess? You looked damn hot, I couldn’t focus on anything else despite Octavia was wearing half the clothes you were.”

“Oh, don’t judge her. She just likes that kind of clothes.”

“I wasn’t judging! As a feminist, I do not care what a woman wears for her to be equally as worthy. And as a lesbian, I am delighted with her outfits.”

“Hey!” Clarke laughed, giving her a soft push. “Don’t forget who you have a crush on.”

“Never.”

* * *

 

When did they fall asleep, neither of them did know. They spent the night talking about everything and nothing, laughing at the weird situations that had happened in the past, at the fights they had had, at the ones happening here in the island. Clarke explained how she felt about having a crush on a girl for the first time, and how much she wanted Bellamy to find a girlfriend and stop trying to ask her out. Lexa spoke about the first time she watched porn in hopes to know how to have sex with girls, since her mom didn’t really know how to give her the talk. The gay talk, as she called it. Clarke then explained that she accidentally opened a porn ad once, and that she had then spent ten minutes browsing the web out of curiosity. That’s how she became aware that two women could have sex with each other, although at the time she thought it could only be with a boy with them. Lexa told her she did not want to ever have a threesome with the person she loved, saying that she didn’t like to share. And then she excused herself, saying that that sounded quite toxic and explaining her point of view for twenty minutes, until she realized that Clarke had fallen asleep. She had sighed and smiled, wrapping her arm around the blonde and quickly falling asleep with her head rested on Clarke's chest.


	19. Chapter 19

Clarke opened her eyes and found herself cuddling Lexa from behind, her arm wrapped around her. She inhaled in deeply, taking in the scent of the girl’s hair. She smelled like a candle that had just been blown out, like ashes and something that Clarke thought was coconut at first. She closed her eyes and surprised herself by hugging tighter the girl. Why she did that, she did not really know, but she liked to feel the other so close. It was then when she heard a soft laugh and she lifted her head from the pillow. “You awake?” she questioned, making Lexa turn around.

“Yeah. Been for a bit, but didn’t want to wake you up.” the brunette turned with a smile on her face, giving Clarke a quick kiss and smiling again. “How did you sleep?”

“Really good, actually. But I feel like we did not sleep much time… what time is it?”

“Almost time to go get lunch… your phone has been buzzing non stop for like an hour.”

“What? An hour?!” Clarke turned around and grabbed her phone, noticing the many unread messages. She quickly opened her texts, finding out that they were mostly from the group chat. Still, one took her full attention, the many emojis that Raven had used was definitely extraordinary. She opened the text and laughed. The emojis Raven had used not only were mostly innuendos, but also seemed that the girl had had time to write down a full story with emojis in which Lexa and Clarke ended up getting married. Clarke rolled her eyes and turned on the bed again, forgetting the phone on the nightstand and wrapping her arm around Lexa again. “Sorry. I am a bit paranoid when I don’t look at my phone and stuff.”

“You definitely need to relax and get away from technology. Why don’t we make a bet? If you can’t stay away from your phone for the whole day, we have dinner together tonight and I have to pay for it.”

“I’ve seen more romantic ways to ask someone out you know.”

“Yeah, but this one definitely worked, and you know it. Princess.”

“Ha. Shut up and let’s go for some coffee.”

* * *

 

“Tonight was amazing, and you know it.”

“You’re a dickhead.”

“Oh come on, Mrs Griffin. You know I’ve got mad finger skills.” Raven laughed at her own joke comment and kissed the woman’s cheek, resting her head on the woman’s shoulder. “And you love them.” she added. Abigail had her arm wrapped around the girl’s body, both of them with a cup of coffee in their hand as they sat in a comfortable couch of the hotel’s cafeteria. 

They had met in the beach in the middle of the night, in a hidden spot Raven had found the day before. Having kept the place a secret, they had agreed to meet there at half past two, when everyone was asleep. Abigail had walked out of the room at two, Marcus already fast asleep and trying to come up with a reasonable excuse. _Clarke needed medicine from the pharmacy,_ _Clarke needed medicine from the pharmacy,_ _Clarke needed medicine…_ In the other end of the hallway, Raven walked out of the room, telling her boyfriend she couldn’t stand sleeping next to him and that she was going to sleep somewhere else.

“I do… but I really want to focus on this coffee, sweetie. They import it from Colombia.”

“ _They import it from Colombia._ ” Raven repeated with a silly voice and a grin before rolling her eyes and making herself even more comfortable in the woman’s embrace.

* * *

 

“I’ve read that in this cafeteria they have like twenty different kinds of coffee.” Lexa pointed out as they entered in the place, taking the chance to hold hands now that they were alone. Clarke had asked Lexa to keep it a secret since she was still unsure about all that was happening, and the brunette had no objections. Meanwhile, Lexa had said that Costia would be around for a week more, and that if Clarke felt uncomfortable she would have no problem to protect her. Clarke had then said she did not need that, although she did not really know how she’d feel if the girl— or anyone else— saw them together. “I want to try them all.”

“I thought you were the kind of person who would drink only tea and infusions.”

“Why?”

“I might have seen you work out and carry all those healthy drinks in school.”

“Have you been spying on me, princess?”

“No! I just saw you like once or twice. That’s it.”

“I was joking.” Lexa rolled her eyes and smirked, then walked towards the counter and ordered something that made no sense to Clarke. She then turned to her and waited for her to talk, only to see her shrug. “And she’ll have the same, but  _ ristretto.  _ Charge it to room 307.” she added, showing the room’s card and smiling at the barista. Clarke smiled and turned to walk to an empty table, seeing that all the sofas were occupied. It was then when she spotted someone familiar among the couples on the sofas. She had to look twice before fully understanding what she was seeing. Raven was in a woman’s arms, receiving a gentle kiss from her. But it was not just a woman, Clarke realized. It was her own mother… kissing her best friend.

She dropped her coffee cup, hearing the porcelain smash into pieces against the floor.

“ _ Mom?! _ ”


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear readers, I am planning on writing a full Abby x Raven (Doctor Mechanic) chapter after this one, but I am not sure you guys would like it. I know the Doctor Mechanic shippers aren't as many as Clexa's, and I am not sure if you would be okay of having one update for that.
> 
> So would you like to read with details what happened that night with Abby and Raven? Or do you prefer to read just some important things?
> 
> Abby x Raven shippers, would you like a oneshot instead?
> 
> Thanks for telling me :D

Clarke still couldn’t believe what she was seeing. Raven and her mother were now standing in front of her, the woman's lipstick faded from kissing. That was why Clarke did not see her using her regular color these past days, it just faded before she even saw her.  _ Lexa was right! For how long has this been going on?  Why Raven? Why my mom?! _ Her head was full of questions that were not being answered. One of the baristas approached with a mop, taking the porcelain pieces and telling Lexa that it was fine and they’d bring another cup for Clarke. Lexa insisted on paying it before turning her attention back to the others.

“Clarke, we can explain.” her mother said, her voice careful and slow. She had put the same voice she put when she gave her patient’s families the worst news.  _ No, not the Doctor “I’m sorry we could not save them” Abby Griffin voice,  _ Clarke thought with annoyance, taking a step back. Lexa put her hand on her shoulder, comforting her. Clarke hadn’t even noticed her leaving, but she felt like she had missed her touch. “Please sit down. We… we’ll explain everything.” the older woman spoke.

The blonde sighed and gave a nod, sitting on an armchair and watching the others do the same. Raven and Abby let out a sigh, looking at each other in hopes one would start talking. Raven felt like everything she would say would make her look as a foolish girl in love with an older woman. Meanwhile, the other thought about how whatever she said it would make her look like a predator going after a young girl. In the end, Abby was the one to start.

“Okay. First of all I want to say that this has started very recently. Only for two days. At least, uh, physically… in an intimate way.”

“I really don’t want to know  _ that _ .”

“Yeah, uh, I guess. So the thing is that, uh… Okay. I have had feelings for Raven for a while now.”

“ _ What?! _ ”

“Yeah. I’ve always liked her, but you know, in the  _ ‘I like that my daughter hangs out with this girl and not boys’ _ kind of type. I always worried that you’d end up on  _ Sixteen and Pregnant  _ or something, always around Octavia. You two loved to fool around with Lincon and Bellamy and their friends. But Raven appeared and started spending so much time together with you and Octavia, that I stopped worrying about boys.”

“Guess what, you should have worried about other things— Like not screwing my best friend.”

“Clarke, don’t be like that.” Raven interrupted her, her cheeks red. “Your mom is not taking advantage of me or anything. It was actually me the one who took the first step, so if you want to blame it on someone, blame me.”

“What?!”

“Clarke, I’ve had a crush on your mom for years. That’s it, and I can’t change that. It was your mom, so I really couldn’t do anything. So I decided to ignore those feelings. You know, the girl I told you about, Finn. Then, the other day, when we went to that shop to buy the dresses, something— uh— happened. It just clicked. All those feelings I had had came back again.”

“So you decided to screw my mom.”

“God Clarke, stop being so cynical. This is important.”

“How can it be important that you are screwing my best friend?!”

“It is important for me, Clarke. I had never really felt anything like this for a woman, so this is a pretty big deal for me. And honestly, I am pretty sure it would be the same for you if you were in your forties and suddenly felt attracted to an eighteen year old. So Clarke, stop being such a bitch and listen to us, because I did not raise you to disrespect people who have not figured out what is happening to them or who they are. I raised you to be respectful, helpful, and kind.” Abby rambled, cutting off her daughter’s comment. She was tense, her voice shaky as the woman opened her heart to her own daughter. Raven decided to stay still, looking at Lexa with wide eyes as if mentally telling her to not to move or even breathe. The other decided to do the same, looking into the distance. The woman breathed in, then muttered, “Please.”

Clarke looked down. Her mother was right, she had to hear what had happened. Raven had always been good to her from the moment she had moved to the town, and her mother… well, she was her mother. She had given her everything she had, she had protected her. “Okay. But can I make the questions? It would be easier...”

“Okay.”

“Good. So, when did you start having a crush on my mom?” the blonde questioned.

“So I came to Washington like three years ago, right?” Raven asked, receiving a nod from the blonde. “Well, think… like a week later.”

“What?!”

“I didn’t know it was a crush! I just thought I really admired her at first. Then I realized I kinda admired her boobs quite a lot...”

“Raven!”

“Sorry. But well, it was like that, more or less”

“Okay. And when did this start? Like really start.”

“When did we get intimate?” Abby asked.

“Yeah, I guess. Like, when did you kiss for the first time or something like that.”

“Well… It started the other night.” Raven said, looking away for a second. “The night at the club.”


	21. Author's note

Hello everyone.

This is the saddest, most difficult author’s note to write, for many reasons. I am scared as hell to write this. I know I haven’t been updating regularly for a while, and that is because writer’s block among other reasons. Despite having the full story thought and planned, it is impossible for me to keep writing it. **I am going to try to explain this properly, but please take into consideration that English is not my first language and it is hard to write this and that I hope nothing gets misunderstood.**

I am going to stop writing this story. There are a few reasons for this decision.

First of all, I don’t have much time to write. I work and study at the same time, making it hard to find free time. Part of this free time goes to doing things related to my well-being and myself, which reduces it even more. You have to understand that  **I (and any writer) am a person who has her own life, and writing is a hobby that sometimes has to be put aside.** A chapter you can read in five minutes can mean one hour of writing or more.

As you might know if you are a writer,  **writing is a difficult task.** You have to set up a peaceful environment to be able to focus on the story you want to create, and then write it down in a way that is grammatically correct and makes sense to the reader. That is not an easy task, and it is even less easy when English is not your first language like in my case.  **It is as hard as painting, drawing, creating videos and other kinds of fanart.**

Another reason for my decision is that  **writing Clexa hurts.** Since the moment the writers of the show decided to kill Lexa I’ve been hurting, knowing that each of my words were only a fantasy that I have as a fan. This death made me feel that me, as a woman who likes women, would never find happiness, unless it was with a man (like apparently is going to happen in the show with Clarke). It hurts, and even though it is not that bad anymore, it is still exhausting.

I feel like  **some readers don’t realize those things** . Some people don’t see how hard it is to write stories for free, because you want to share something you love with them. Writers appreciate every single kudo and comment, but the second don’t happen that often. Readers don’t leave comments saying what they love or hate of the stories they read, and when something important happens in the story, the writer is suddenly flooded with comments of how awful it is that this happened, when they thought their readers were okay with it or liked it. And yes, this is about the Doctor Mechanic storyline, that was going to be an important part of how Lexa would end being the most important support for Clarke. This is also in no way a tantrum of a DM shipper, since I understand that people don’t ship it.

**If I had known so many people hated me writing that, I wouldn’t have written it.**

But at the same time,  **fanfiction is not fanservice.** While prompts are the way of giving the readers what they want, stories are what we want to write as fans, and we add details if we see that people like them and we are okay with it. We do this for free, because we want to share our stories, not because we have to.

To the ones who think of me as a disappointment from now on, I am sorry. To the ones that lose the respect they have for me, I am sorry. I can’t say how thankful I am that you have read this story, and to the ones that have supported it in any way, leaving kudos, comments, or sending me kind messages, thank you too. So much.

I don’t know if I’ll ever keep writing this story. I don’t know if I will ever finish it.

**But I can assure you, it has a happy ending.**

Thanks for everything,

N.


End file.
